val-yaozhen

2011-11-16T01:40:00.002+08:00

val needs a break down today... feel so tired and empty...

my heart feels so cringy

depend on yourself for happiness, never rely on anyone else for happiness.

one of the very emotional days im going through, its been so long since i felt this way.

impermanence indeed.

i need to rest

2011-11-03T00:48:00.002+08:00

I fell sick, and im Exhausted..

i feel so tired from all the late nights, and my new work that requires total concentration and its tedious.

will adjust to these changes, but my body needs a little more time than my mind does.

my dear Sangyumla told me, a fresh start is exciting, don't you feel happy? her words instantly

lit me up and give me some confidence about the unknown future. That's the magic of her

kindness and wisdom. I want to become a woman just like her.

As i grow up, i realise it's not easy to be bubbly and happy-go-lucky when you become an adult,

now i know why i often draw people's attention when i was younger, because of my bubbly and

happy nature that most adults appreciate, because deep down, they want that for themselves.

A bubbly and happy-go-lucky attitude towards life, because the feeling of being weighed down

by every responsibility in life is too much to take.

But my question is, Why not a Bubbly and Happy-go-Lucky attitude towards life?

Because we are all going to die anyway.

Why not a Bubby and Happy-go-Lucky attitude? Life shouldn't be a chore, it should be lived

to the fullest.

Dear Lama...

2011-10-01T00:44:00.001+08:00

Dear lama...

i feel so tired trying so hard, im doing what i can to live my life well. doing what i can so i can make the best out of my life.

why is it that when i open my heart to people that i trust, then i realise they can't feel for my situation, and never understands, but i always try to feel for them to understand how they feel. i feel helpless sometimes, because i never know who else other than you that never fails to feel for us. you understood me and i can feel it.

i always know that you will never foresake me no matter how unworthy as a person i am, or how lousy i may be, i really do feel, like a lousy person, because ive not gotten anything done right, even though when i feel that im doing my best at that moment, but it never turn out or appear to be okay.

making my life the best out of it, may not be best to people who can tell me otherwise, but i already did what i can, and i don't know what more i can put in. i know i should not be bothered about what others think, but i feel that its very discouraging when im already taking action to make my life more positive but no matter what you do or what decisions you make, you can feel that they are never happy with it.

it saddens me more when my partner is totally oblivious.... even when you share with him how you feel, he just keeps quiet or not reply your text, when you open your heart to him....

it feels just like another anton, that ignores my msges, because he doesn't know what to say, or how to comfort me, or cannot be bothered. it fears me, to go through the same painful times again.

Lama Chenno, Lama Chenno, Drinchen Tsawai, Lama Chenno...

Take Charge of your own life

2011-09-29T02:38:00.004+08:00

May my kind and compassionate Guru and Buddha's teachings, be my guiding path and light to walk me through while i am beginning to take charge of my life.

I don't feel so fearful of the unknown like 3 years ago, but i definitely feel the weight on me. The weight of responsibility for myself and the things i wish to fulfill in the future that will come very soon.

Perhaps through different experiences that my life has to offer over the past three years, it taught me how to work with the subject of my fears.

its just like, the only way to not be fearful of handling hot water, is to be scalded by it first.

im grateful for all the experiences and lessons that i have gone through in life, to shape me into what i am today, at least grown from the time where i've just begun.

These conditions and situations that i get to experience only happened because i met my Guru and the Dharma. Without Dharma in my life, myself and my life would have taken a very different turn.

I'm grateful, and fortunate to have experienced my life with Dharma that was being taught to me.

my playmate, my family.

2011-08-18T02:10:00.003+08:00

She's my playmate, she saw me grow up. She has seen me through my darkest days, and she has seen me through the early years of my life. She's always there, like it or not, there are times when she gets on my nerves, but i love her all the same.

I knew her since i was three years old.

She was then, a little puppy.

She came to our home, because my older brother and sister bugged my mum for a dog, and i even asked my mum if she can "born" a dog for me. back then, i thought dogs are given birth by people.

So she's my first ever, doggie. i have always been proud of her, and adored her despite her not being very pretty or not at all likable by many of my relatives and friends that came for visit, because of her quite horrible,stubborn, proud and arrogant character. but she really is very kind, i know it, she is very loyal and has a very strong character, a character of not giving up easily.

given her condition (as she got old at the age of 14, she had muscle degeneration and could not open her mouth, she could only stick out her tongue for baby food and water), she could have died very soon, but she lived on, happily with us for quite sometime before her body gave way to old age, and impermanence.

I know she loves us, just as much as we do.

I am so attached to her, because she is always there, just there at home, walking around and lazying about, i lived with her since 3 years old, it is only natural that i reminisce her once in awhile, she is someone that i have all my life.

tears gathered in my eyes as i walked past the board for the "dearly departed" in temple. a sudden rush of emotion surged through my heart, i was very determined to find her name at the board, to see where she is. at least there is some sign of her that i can see, even seeing her name makes me happy, ever since she is gone, there are no more signs of her in my life.

the funny thing about life and death that came to my mind one day is, everything feels like an illusion.

how can something that stays with you all your life, feels so real, feels so permanent and so dear and close to your heart, and when after they die,

you feel like they never existed in this world before. it feels like an illusion. i guess life is an illusion.

if you die one day, you definitely will, just sooner or later, you will just cease to exist, and people may also feel like you have never ever lived in this world before, those signs of your living were just merely memories, and maybe some remnants of photographs that were taken of you, can be some temporary living proof that you have been on this earth, in that form, before.

you will only live in some people's heart after you die. those memories of you, are captured like photograph in your heart, after you pass on.

2011-08-05T19:34:00.002+08:00

had a big cup of frolick, and felt alive suddenly, from the sugar rush. i needed that sugar

Finally, completed all my projects that i have been working on the past few months,

Bs and As for all my project. I'm Happy :)

It's an expression of relief, but also a face of stress and worry for the coming exams,

more work and effort to put in.

Do your best val, do your best.

i kinda lost inspiration for my poetic writing style, i guess I've been too occupied, i just couldn't feel it. I miss writing in a poetic way, i'm too tired to feel it i guess. Inspiration will come when i

m back in shape again :)

back in mental and emotional state and back in physical shape free from fatigue

Dear diary wait for my good news on my academic results ;)

Impermanence

2011-08-04T17:08:00.002+08:00

I feel like just dropping everything here, and go somewhere new and different.

I want to see other parts of the world. than the tiny little world i'm living in. In my own world.

I enjoy going to temple, and enjoy listening to the teachings Lama give, but i'm tired with myself, and my life now.

Maybe this is the pre-exam depression i'm going through, i don't know

All i feel like i want now is to drop everything here, after exams and go on a holiday. That i never have in years. My last holiday was Australia a few years ago, to visit Granddad whom passed away shortly after i came back to Singapore.

I'm tired. of. Everything.

no poisoning of the Dharma here, i am just loonging, and i know i need to get this loong out, and i need time. i am utterly aware of a loong coming. i just need to go do what i want and finish doing what i need. so i won't pull out dharma to convince myself and delude myself further.

i don't want to be a dirty pot. filled with poison, and even if nectar is being poured in, it becomes poisonous.

i want to become a clean and upright pot again. i don't want to be a leaky, overturned and dirty pot.

I need time off. i'm going insane.

Dharma is very important to me, Lama is also very important to me.

i need to go away for awhile, just a short while to refresh myself.

raining today

2011-07-22T12:21:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, i met the bitches (Agnes, Euminl, Qifang and Benjamin) in my secondary school (Yusof Ishak Secondary). We took a walk down memory lane :)

Going to the familiar staff room, sitting by the latch outside the staff room, trying to get hold of teachers that taught us during our time, walking through stairs and hallways and corridors that we used to walk together every single day and eating the same old canteen food that still tastes the same after 4 years where we used to eat them everyday.

Now, at twenty, we talk to our teachers, no longer as a student-teacher relationship, but a very relaxed and laid back way, like old friends. i missed the teachers, those whom brought us humour, light-heartedness and inspiration to the dead knowledge that was introduced to us, they turned the dead alive just so we can do well at the end of the day.

those effort, that they could have chose not to put in to have an easier and happier teaching career, however, they put in a great deal of effort, time, thoughts, feelings and a positive intent for our learning and our success.

I am very grateful their actions had shaped the way i am today, other than my Guru whom still continues to shape me today, i also thank my teachers back then, whom helped shape me and gave me the help and support to see me through secondary school with great results :)

My Guru, mentors and teachers from the past, Thank you for being my teacher, to guide me along the positive way, please continue to do so, and to repay your kindness, i want to become successful not only in tangible material, wealth, and work, but more importantly, in person, living the Dharma.

2011-07-20T10:43:00.002+08:00

im hungry, and sleepy and low in energy, and i need an influx of positivity!

i want to let go of low-energy, let go of the things that brings my spirit down, it feels as if im

looking out of the window in a rainy weather, feeling lifeless and trapped. im tired of everything.

:) smile because you're kind mother sentient beings

2011-07-14T00:49:00.002+08:00

Today, i learnt this in school, as i was almost feeling like i'm a warrior, fighting against all odds, against difficulties, against my laziness and my stubborn nature.

The class presentation felt so suicidal that i could have died on the spot feeling so upset about what we have not included in the presentation when i know we have spent a lot of time doing it, thinking that we have done our best.

not sending my work to a tutor that scolds you almost every single lesson he sees you can also be quite a pain in the ass to even remember that you need to go for his lessons, but you still need to be responsible about being present in class.

Then a surprise came where he didn't reprimand me at all, for the first time. I became very happy at the end of the day, instead of all the stress i experienced.

it then dawn on me that the little optimism tbat lives within me goes a long way. having this strong belief you can, will and want to get your work done properly is a great feeling. with optimism, things can be done very easily, just because you want it

Goodnight world,

things that tells a story

2011-06-23T02:54:00.003+08:00

The toothbrush sat at the corner of the bathroom, it was grandma's. missing her presence in my room, and wondering how she is over in Australia, where i know shes all alone. Braving through time and loneliness right now and reminiscing the company and laughter back in Singapore.

She always had someone for company, the man in her life, they stayed by each other faithfully till death do them part.

Watching her back as she left the gates of the terminal made me understood separation. Though i am not especially close to her, but i could feel that sense of helplessness as she left us, trying hard to hold back her tears that welled up in her eyes, that was going to fall.

Australia became her home, for many years, it was the place she had the adventures of her life, and where she found the love of her life. Her life story began in Singapore but i knew her wish is to end this story in Australia, happily, to be near the man she loved dearly that departed before her.

I would want to spend the last days of her life, with her, just like how i did with Grandad. those 2 weeks and 4 days i will never forget.

Death is not morbid, its reality.

what's the story of your life? everyone is their own leading actor and actress in their own drama, this drama will end someday, while you still breathe, you create your own life story, how exciting or captivating it could be, its all up to you.

rule of the thumb, if you can't help others at least don't harm them, enjoy your drama and have a good one.

Tired of missing someone when they are no longer breathing, i want to treasure them while they are still here.

fortune

2011-05-05T02:01:00.002+08:00

how could i have been so fortunate to be loved and taken care of by someone so kind and compassionate, without knowing what he has done for me behind my back... quietly.

how can i not know, that ive been receiving all these while, all the time, he gives quietly, never being recognised for his kindness, genuine gestures and protection just like a kind mother to a child.

his kindness drove me to tears, because i cannot describe this feeling that im experiencing now, a mixture of gratefulness, feeling fortunate, feeling sorry and love.

i love him, because i know how much he gives me, more than anyone could offer, no money, experience, knowledge, material gratification, feelings can be compa

rable to what he has kindly given me. i know he loves me even more, because his heart is so wide like a great ocean that can encompass all even the sky.

he loved me in his own ways, making sure i really benefit. i have more than Thank you to offer, more than words.

2011-05-01T22:58:00.002+08:00

i feel so tired and depressed... i feel so sad that when im feeling down, no one was there for me. at least the only people that i could pour out to, i couldn't find. i dont blame anyone or expect people to have to be there for me, but the feeling of not having anyone to lean on when you need it most, feels so heavy.

but i know lama is there, im sure he could feel me. his words kept replaying in my mind, this feeling that he gave, warms me up. he said we are all special to him, no matter if nobody loves us. he made us feel wanted, now its strength for me.

i also wonder why im so emotional today, probably i was too tired, and too much pressure from school that i feel, and i had no one to talk to. thats why i broke down. when someone is there for you, you will feel like obstacles and problems are very small, all you need to do is walk across.

I admit

2011-04-30T02:29:00.003+08:00

I admit... woman does go crazy and pms-ing when they feel insecure. Men are from Mars and Women are from venus. Sometimes, i really have a difficult time speaking and talking things out with him, just because he is as stubborn as i am. It is good that you do not speak sometimes, to prevent unnecessary arguments and squabbling, that wastes good 1 over hour.

He can have the best reasons sometimes to leave you dumbfounded but at the same time you know that you are not wrong in feeling a particular way. Theres no right or wrong between both parties just that we have different ways of expressing our concern to each other that we think is our best way to show, but may not necessarily have the "best" effect and reaction to both.

Love is a feeling that binds two together, but dealing with a relationship can be quite complex. If relationships can be figured out, then it will be a game, not relationship.The outcome and rules for games are predictable, but not for relationships.

Im super duper tired today.... its end of the week, emotionally im really feeling tired from school, facing and dealing with so many things on my own, it is quite tedious and draining on the 1st week. I hope in the next few weeks, i will feel less and less tired :) *pat myself on my back* well done val, you've missed no lessons!

Time is precious, i need time to do more revisions!

be brave

2011-04-28T00:39:00.003+08:00

Crying, can be so relaxing...

sometimes, crying can relieve the burden you feel in your heart, you just allow your emotions to flow away, and let it go.

At times, it really feels very comforting to cry and let the tears flow, releasing all the heavy feelings you harbour in your heart.

For no reason, i feel a sense of relief, i guess probably tomorrow is a free day for me, i've completed three days of school, smoothly, completing all that i'm supposed to do.

Im finally able to let my guts down, for this moment, to relax my mind and give it a break, and allow my heart to feel at ease.

Looking at Buddha's image, and recalling Lama's words, comforts and relaxes me :)

i miss bodhi, wish he comes back soon.

With Love, Val.

Fire up your passion

2011-04-25T00:16:00.003+08:00

"To me, each and everyone of you here are very special to me, no matter if nobody loves you, your parents don't love you, your friends, or whatsoever.... "

Last night, we had a tea party specially for the youths of Thekchen Choling, held at a member's place, lama said those words at night in the presence of all the youths.

This left a very deep imprint in me, as tears swelled up in my eyes when lama's words hit right into my heart. My heart melted like frozen butter over a warm and comforting fireplace.

Even as i recalled lama's words, i still tear, because it touches my heart, this feeling is indescribable.

It means a lot to me, because i can feel lama's noble, deep sincerity and unconditional love for us. It was the greatest comfort anyone can receive, even if a friend were to tell this to you, you would be extremely touched, what more from someone whom i have the greatest amount of respect that i ever have.

Knowing my Guru was a miracle to me, even though i may not have much friends in my life, friends come and go all the time, but Lama is always there and will always be a guiding light in my path :)

I really am a lonely soul with no much friends in my life, except Bodhi , lama and sangyumla and my family whom is close to my heart, that truly cares. But i guess having these very important people in life, i should be contented.

I need to do very well in my studies, like very very well, i have a bigger purpose in life to do many things for others, only if i study very well, and be able to generate a lot of money in future, then i can have the ability to help achieve all my aims to help my family to be free from financial problems, and assist lama in all dharma works, i need to start small and start now, even though i know i've been doing really badly in school.

Kambate! jiayou! juley!

Tomorrow is a fresh piece of paper

2011-04-13T01:58:00.006+08:00

Just when i was non-stop thinking and screwing my mind with thoughts, and everything negative, he said, "haven't i told you before so many times, you can listen to all, but do your own things"

This made an awful lot of sense, that my problem is to mind what others say and change the way i do things to suit people's liking.

I also over-think about things, i could have transformed my mind to think that its okay that something happened, but i am aware of my actions, so be careful the next time, and stop thinking there and then.

If i go any further, it just spoils my mind by feeding it more negative thoughts thinking about how people might be thinking about me, or why the person is thinking in that way, which is totally not of any use to make my mind or me a better person.

It is also important to plan a simple schedule, to create a routine so that i will eventually be disciplined and have a pattern of studying, so that i will not waste time any further.

I must also stop all unnecessary thinking and start taking action instead :)

I hope this small sharing of some of my own problems and frustration in me that i face, can benefit those who can relate to these feelings.

Goodnight Lama and Universe :)

Goals

2011-04-08T02:13:00.002+08:00

I met someone i never thought i could ever find. i guess its true that you must never go around seeking somebody, they will appear before you when time and condition ripens.

I am never sure about tomorrow, but i feel happy and safe when i'm with him, he make me feel and see things, and feel Dharma with his insight on living a spiritual life, just like how i want to lead a spiritual life, not only for myself, but also people around me, especially my spouse in the future.

I'm so glad he came at the right time, he came and i know my life will fall into place with this feeling of stability, and balance.

I now have goals in my life that i want to fulfill, apart from being that lost and out of place person i used to be, i know no i have a direction to follow, to be able to fulfill my lama's commands for me. It will take some time, but i will do my best towards reaching my goals. he too, is working towards the same goal as me.

To the best of my ability, with whatever i have learnt, i try to apply Dharma as much as i can.

May all and i be Living, Breathing Dharma :)

Give me some sunshine

2011-03-31T23:55:00.004+08:00

Im so in love with the green pastures and the mild sunlight, i can't wait to jump right into the grass and roll around barefooted on the fresh green grass, feeling the warmth of the sunlight gently on my skin.

I want to roll around on the grass and watch the sunset with him and fall asleep.

I love how this Toastbox outlet looks white and vintage :) like back to the 60s and 70s

My silly dog

haha! am just posting random things that i like today, nothing inspiring or a strong statement to make today :) Im so sleepy, going to bed now. Goodnight lama and everyone.

so it seems

2011-03-08T21:38:00.003+08:00

I miss him so much, although he's already here with me. it seems like no matter how i throw my tantrums at him and be mean to him, he still feels the same way for me. like no matter how hard i try to push him away, he would just be there looking after me and making sure that im feeling okay.

He drew me pictures, of things he sees and what i like, he also drew me. I seldom receive handmade things, because im often the one doing hand made things for others. Its my first ever gift that was hand drawn by someone whom also shares a liking to art and drawing.

He thinks about me when he buys things, takes note of what i like, and gives me all his sincerity. I can't thank him more for everything that he has given me emotionally, spiritually and his love.

He touched my frozen heart several times, trying to break through, to live in just a little space of my heart. he's so good to me, sometimes i don't know how to accept all the feelings hes giving me, and the love he's showering me.

He has a heart so pure and wide that i can feel and see in him, which i appreciate most. He always sees the good in me, instead of judging me, and knows how i feel without asking. I feel for you, i really do.

Thank you for everything you have done and given me. I want to do something for you too, and be there for you.

What's your Happiness?

2011-03-04T01:21:00.004+08:00

Happiness..

What makes you Happy? What is your source of Happiness? I often wonder, what Happiness means to everyone, because everyone is different, and defines Happiness differently, just like how people look at the same moon but sees a different sky around it.

Some see clouds around the Moon, some sees a clear sky around the moon, some even see rainbow around the moon. Just as differently people see the moon from different places, Happiness is seen differently by different people.

For me, embracing the Dharma and my Guru into my life , makes me really happy, and is the source of my Happiness, to understand the nature of reality, the truth of life, and also to enjoy and embrace feelings.

Meeting Lama in my life, is one of the Best thing that ever happened to me.

Lama taught me how to feel with my heart, for myself and people around me, and also people i dont know.

My family and friends whom loves and cares for me, makes my life meaningful and complete.

My Happiness, is everyone's Happiness.

:)

2011-02-26T17:20:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you just need to count your blessings and appreciate them, and realise that it is not too good to be true. There are extraordinary people that can touch your lives and your heart, That the way they are so kind to you can never be described with words.

My heart feels so prickled and very moved whenever i remember his kindness. i very often feel like giving anything that i can, to thank him for everything. i may have nothing now, but this feeling i have, i hope will never change, i pray and wish i can offer this feelings to my guru always in many lifetime to come.

This feeling, can never be bought by money, it cannot be seen nor touched, it can only be felt by an open heart.
This feeling, is a strength and powerful source, to push you through difficult times, and sit by you through happy times.
This feeling, brings you to places, you never knew you could have been, and let you see what you have never seen.
This feeling, brings you experiences you never knew it exists, inspires your life in every possible ways.

Thank you, i love you my guru

Dreams are my reality

2011-02-22T00:50:00.004+08:00

Hello there, Dear Grandad, Godpa and Godmum :)

It's been so long since i last spoken to all of you. I know you all must be basking in the love and compassion of Buddha ;) right?

Sorry Godmum, I can't find a pretty picture of you now, but i promise i'll upload a pretty one of you okay.

I just feel like telling all of you, I miss you. I'm doing very well, thanks to the kindness of my Lama, sangyumla, my family, Fervin and gang and also someone i met whom i know wants me to be happy every moment :) So there's no need to worry about me. Godma, i'll marry a good husband :)

I was scrolling through my phone to see the pictures inside, and i found godpa, smiling at me :) I am studying everyday, preparing for my exams, i don't know how far i can do well, but I wish to clear all my modules, pass them and leave the school without regret that i've not done enough.

I miss all of you, I found this is one of the best ways i can talk to all of you, talking like this made me realise, there's no way we can ever be how we used to be again..

Grandad can never be the same grandad, Godpa can never be the same godpa and Godmum can never be the same godmum again.. I can't throw tantrums to any of you now..
haha! I also want to tell all of you, im finally 20 this year! :) I know you all must have came to see me somehow, on my birthday.

To dear Godpa and Godmum, thank you for celebrating my birthdays with me during my childhood, i'll never forget the mango cake that i have every single year for my birthday, and most importantly, both of your company :)

Sorry that i didn't get a chance to bring you all out for a very good meal, if you didn't know, it was my wish to do that for both of you, and also to visit Grandad in australia once again.

Thank you for being in my life before.. I love you.

If you're ever lost, call out to my lama, my guru, im sure he will be there to guide you.

in the middle of the night

2011-02-11T04:36:00.002+08:00

so tired... my body feels like collapsing now... my body feels tired, but my mind is still very alert.
I can't sleep, the ache on my neck, shoulder blade and stiff shoulders is keeping me up. I need a massage, now :( help!

just when i was feeling so helpless and panicking at the thought of a very long day tomorrow, when im still awake now at 4.55am, with loads of work that i need to complete, makes me feel really helpless. So much that i want to rest early so i can perform well tomorrow to do my notes for exams, dharma junior works and also lama's birthday performance items.

Am i stressing myself out? maybe im going a little too far, maybe im just expecting more from myself to do all my things. I need to stop abusing my mind and body, i need to think positive.

Just as i was feeling like this, i remember what this special person told me:
Everything will be okay, because you have lama in your heart.
If you feel lonely, just remember that i am always with you.

i miss him so much, layer by layer he slowly crept into my heart. i don't know how far he can break all the walls to find his way to find me, because i am not sure how many layers ive been shielding myself from all the negative experiences i've been through.

crossing the fast flowing river

2011-02-10T03:29:00.003+08:00

(I took this picture last year, one day after a normal working internship day from RBS Bank, as you can see the resolution wasn't fantastic cuz i was using my camera phone, however the effect of this picture brings about a nice feeling :) I love how the sky can be so colourful and is an art by itself )

It was a really busy few weeks for everyone before and during the Chinese New Year, I had so many things done within those 2 weeks. Down right from the 31st of January till today, have i finally felt that life has regained its normality.

Okay, when has my life ever been normal? hahaha! Before CNY i was doing spring cleaning, my project, rushing against time, then out to get some clothings, then to facial, went JB to get things and dyed my hair, finally new year visiting to temple and some relative's place, completed project, done presentation and finally today, my last presentation for the semester :)

I'm really happy that for the first time in my poly life, i dare say ive done my best and done well in all the presentations and put in whatever i can for my assignments. except for one presentation that i nearly died on the spot during the whole 15 mins where my tutor was interrupting every sentence i was presenting. obviously we got a D for that. Positive news is, i got to know some other projects were Bs and hopefully the one today could get an A.

I do enjoy the process of getting things done, i feel clear and organized this time, on what needs to be done, and follow up on every project. i feel like the more diligent and hardworking Val from 2006 when she was so eager to do well in her studies. I can still remember, by the end of 2006, she met Lama and the Dharma :)

Goodnight people :)

i need that relief

2011-01-26T00:08:00.002+08:00

Don't you realize, how sad it is that in every modern society, people live with the feeling of a struggle everyday. Life becomes a struggle.

People live with feelings of frustration from work, constant fear of the responsibility over livelihood of themselves and their family, Bills to pay credit card loans mortgages, stress from mountains of school work, fear of too little money to get by, the chase after material happiness, the rat race to climb up the corporate ladder, the obsession with perfection of beauty, the dissatisfaction with their job and their lives, unhappy relationships and the hurt and anger over extra marital affairs.

We have been chasing all that we could see and touch, but we have never been to ourselves.

[Song: I've never been to me ]
"Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me"

Maybe we could all be aware for a moment, that we have a heart, poor and neglected, to be nurtured. And to be even aware, that we are breathing at this very moment.
So many are wealthy, but they are truly poor. Barren and deprived of their emotions and spirituality.

This came to me as i was feeling the stress and burden on me when i had a lot of work not done as deadlines and project mates rushing, i felt helpless, tired, stressed and fearful.

Then i questioned myself, why i am going through this, and am i the only person?
Obviously not, its a continuous cycle, everywhere.

At this moment, when i felt this way, so negative, I've got only one thought in my mind.

I want to feel relieved.

I believe every sentient being living in this Samsara, wish to feel this sense of relief. In mundane terms, its called " Relief " but as a Dharma practitioner, i came to figure out that it means
" Liberation "

We all want to be liberated from this continuous suffering and to stop the endless chase towards nothing that we thought was something, but towards death. If we were to remember that we all got to die, anytime, soon. Then we will understand that the chase serves no purpose.

It does not mean that we take our lives for granted and start to bum around not doing anything at all, but we can choose to live, at the very least, happily while working or schooling, with a positive motivation and intent to make our lives more memorable and meaningful.

If this has never came across you, maybe you can take some time to feel for what I've written. i could feel it when my lama gave a teaching on this, then i got to experience it, i believe you can feel it too.

Its never too late to realise now.

May all sentient beings be liberated from their sufferings, emotional, physical and mental, may our minds be purified from the poison of anger, greed, attachment and ignorance.

May we be liberated, then lead all others to liberation.

OM AH HUNG

clearing away some space in life

2011-01-22T00:55:00.003+08:00

It feels great to clear away clutters and things that you don't need to make way for new things :)

I've been spending my entire day packing my clothing cupboard, sorting out clothes, pack them neatly, giving away clothes and bags. Washing the toilet, vacuuming the floor, ironing all my crumpled clothes and arranging them.

So much work done from 3pm till about 11pm. I wonder where i got the drive to do all these things all in the day. i know, it's simply because I'm aware that i will not have time during the following weeks to do all these packing. Once I know i've got time to do something, its now or never.

Sadly, by the time i was done packing my cupboard, it was too late for teachings, so i had to skip, then i went ahead to do the rest of the chores.

I always believed and it works for me that, the state of my room is exactly like the state of mind.
Whenever my room gets messy, it reflects the state of my mind, also messy. But once I get it cleaned and categorized things, I feel all better after that.

So next time when you feel like you're in a mess, its time to clear all the clutter and mess in your room, its good practice to straighten out your thoughts, even if you can't solve anything, you will definitely feel much better seeing things neatly and in order.

I feel so tired now, i've used up a lot of my energy today, but its worth it :) im so satisfied with my work hahaha!

I feel so alone now, but i always do anyway. just felt very empty after doing so many things. i wish i was there to attend teachings today, maybe that's why i feel so amiss.
I still owe somebody an answer, but its not time yet to tell. I'm so sorry to make him wait.

Its still an old year, since Chinese new year has not arrived yet, so take this time, to tie all your lose ends. Pack whatever you need to pack, say whatever you need to say, do whatever you need to do well in school or work, and always feel where your heart is, and keeping using your heart to tell you the truth that only you will know, all your answer comes from the heart.

Goodnight lama and world, may all auspicious conditions be with you, may all your wishes be swiftly fulfilled, may you have an abundance of spiritual and material blessings. OM AH HUNG
May Lama and Buddha always watch over you

Set your mind free

2011-01-17T02:15:00.003+08:00

Set your mind free. To the Great Vast and Wide Blue Skies before you.
Do you ever feel like, whenever you look upon the blue sky with fluffy clouds, it makes you feel that life is full of endless positive possibilities?
Feels like you can just throw all our thoughts and worries away, and free your mind, and throw yourself onto the vast pasture of green and roll around, breathing in the fragrance of nature and feeling light and carefree.

If you have never felt this before, try it. Until you try, don't tell anyone that you are living.

The power of doing prayer is so magical and strange that, it seems like every single time I finish my prayers, my mind seems to be freed from the prison of concepts, thoughts and worries. It made me feel like I just went on a trip to the green pasture and vast blue skies to be embraced by mother nature, and glowing with smile and happiness.

If you're living, try it.

Goodnight everyone. @2.28am

I like it like this :)

2011-01-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

Someone once told me, Good feelings... Always try to create good feelings, then the negative karma will stop coming into your life, instead positive karma will fill your life with happiness.

I have been feeling unwell since last Saturday, down with fever and throat infection. I still feel pretty sucky now, but I do not like the fact that my mood get so affected by it, i feel so anxious to get well, because at the back of my mind I know I have a lot of work to complete, and I feel stressed up and all negative.

I felt so alone and afraid because I have nobody to talk to, I feel so insecure right now..

Let me take 5 minutes of my time, here, right now, to transform my mind. To think about Happy things instead :)

I'm happy that im blogging here, in front of Lama, in front of my little alter table, I feel so safe and sound.

I'm happy that I just spoke to sangyumla on msn, someone I respect alot, my spiritual mother.

I'm happy that I have a sleeping sister named fervin whom is in lala land now

I'm happy that Bodhi is there to talk to me :)

I'm happy that Buddha is always watching over me, so if I remember lama and buddha, i don't have to fear anything, and keep them in my heart.

I'm happy that, sometimes when I feel lonely, I know I can always turn to my refuge to Lama and triple gem.

I'm happy to know my family is sleeping safe and sound now

I'm happy that im feeling comforted by doing this

I'm happy that I feel love in my heart.

I'm happy and grateful for everything that I already have :)

Be happy everyone, Goodnight to you, don't forget to feel happy, and remind yourself to stop for a moment, to feel happy for a moment and realise that there is no need to feel upset or negative, the feeling gets worse, because it snowballs. Let happy feelings snowball :)

like the little droplets

2011-01-08T02:07:00.004+08:00

Nobody says that you cannot cry when you feel sad, nobody stops you from feeling sad, its you that puts on the stopper.

When we were little, whenever we feel sad or hurt, it always shows on our face, and, we cry.
we were that natural.
nobody has to teach us how to feel, because we know it best.
When we were angry, we express anger, shouting at someone, throwing things, throw tantrums, stop speaking or just feel the burn inside.
When we get jealous, we vie for attention, hate the object that took all your attention.
When we feel disappointment, you say how you hate it, and cry.. and you say that you feel sad.
When we were little, we never fail to run away when we get into trouble.

When we grow up, we still do the same, just, more subtly, mostly invisible to others, with more self-denial.
We grow up, not allowing ourselves to feel sad because we are afraid that we dwell in it too long and you don't know when you'll get back on your feet again. Gradually, you forget how is it like to cry. You almost can't remember that you can still admit that you feel sad, when you do.

And you'll realise that, its most difficult to admit when you feel sad, hurt or disappointed, to someone you know best.

Yourself.

when you're about to unleash it all, to cry your hearts out, you see the red light.

Emotions seems to face traffic jams all the time. You move when lights turn red, and stops when lights turns green. you get lost when it turns orange.

you don't cry so easily anymore... does it mean that you became stronger?
Or just living in denial?

Why does ego and pride erode the nature of things. I wish to restore the natural flow of things, if I can.

I want to be brave enough to admit that i'm disappointed, sad, and I feel hurt. And it's okay to do so. And I want to cry upon feeling these emotions altogether.

I want to be natural, to laugh when im happy, to cry when im upset, and to feel compassion for others.

Goodnight

2011-01-06T01:12:00.003+08:00

Goodnight lama, shiniang, jie, mummy, daddy,jie, kor, ah ma, ah gong, didi, cookies.

I love my spiritual parents, my parents, my sisters, my brother, my grandparents, my pets, my dharma family. I feel so lucky to have all of them in my life.

Though i lost some of them along the way, like my god parents last year, grandad who calls me sunshine, mitsy whom has accompanied me since i was 3, god-grandmother when i was in primary school, whom doted on me loads, and my paternal grandad whom passed away when i was in primary 5.

Cherish those in your life, around you, and even those that brushed shoulders with you, affinity, karma, cause, condition and effect works when you are not aware. Time passes you by like shadow, sometimes you are aware of it, sometimes you dont. and soon enough, you'll realise, you are already old, and many has already left.

I want to love all these people with my heart, sincerely, so i will not regret, if ever i leave first, or they leave me first. we all got to leave some day, its just a matter of when.

3rd January 2011

2011-01-03T13:46:00.003+08:00

It's Monday, first day of school in 2011, and I was late for 40 minutes. HAHAH! fashionably late, as usual, but this is the latest so far.

think: Would you rather choose to start off your day, grumpy, rushing, temper throwing, skipping breakfast, chasing after the bus OR would you rather enjoy your morning, having a quick breakfast, and walk like you're in the park and feel happy?

I choose to embrace my day with a smile on my face :)

Haha i know its a lousy excuse to be late, but since you're already late, why not make the best out of it and feel happy?

I used to skip classes whenever I'm late. But i remembered what my mum told me when i was very little, whenever we were late for ballet classes, " Its better to be late than not there".
Now it made sense to me :) What could be so bad? at most i would be marked absent, but i was still present to learn something, or to be in the loop of things.

Im sitting under the block of my classroom, listening to Taylor swift while waiting for my 2pm class.

The sky is grey, cold and grumpy and I love how it feels when you're alone with only your laptop and your favourite tunes :)

Im singing Haunted by Taylor Swift "Come on, come on Don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong You're all I wanted Come on, come on Don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't turn back Now I'm haunted"

I would play in the rain, if only i don't have all my gadgets with me today :)
Have a great Monday everyone, may the rain wash away the blues, come on it's 2011! :)

Happy 2011

2011-01-01T00:54:00.002+08:00

Happy new year everyone :) it's 1/1/11 nice number

Looking forward to all the positivity this year, I can already feel it coming :)
Wishing everybody happy, healthy, wealthy, and may all your wishes be swiftly fulfilled!

well, i'm laying on my bed, completing my project, and feeling a little nervous about what's in store in the new year.

I just came back from Camp Evolution just yesterday. It is our dharma youth camp organized by thekchen choling youths. I had fun, learning how to observe people when they speak, learnt many useful tips that im able to use during presentations that is taught to us by Xin ren

and picked up loads of makeup tips from our very own celebrity makeup artiste that is one of our dharma brother, khai mun :) last but not least, Lama whom taught us what mind transformation is.

Simply, he told us that mind transformation is to be at ease with yourself and BE HAPPY! he said the magic is that, once you open your heart, you will be happy. note that the chinese word for happy is 开心 literally translated in english is "open heart" how amazing that is!

He mentioned we are always chasing after things, when we were younger, we chase after having the best pencil in school, then after which is the best school to graduate from, then the best car, the biggest house and earning the most money, and we are always chasing after happiness.

Lama said, if we feel comfortable and at ease with ourselves and our surroundings, happiness will chase after us :) Things will fall into place, and your body will be attuned naturally to a desirable form. Lama said, stop the chase, and enjoy this moment.

enjoy now when you may be reading this post, or when you know you are still breathing. enjoy saying i love you to someone you really love, just enjoy this very moment in time, of our short but meaningful life.

How simple, but deep.

He nudged me on msn and spoke to me last night, to tell me he miss me, and that he is preparing for his entry exam. And he said after he graduate, he will be coming back for me. I just told him, we'll see. Truth is, i gave him a benefit of doubt, but im still moving on with my life happily.
If ever someone along the way passes me by that is right for me, i will still go along to start afresh with someone else. If he loves me, he will try harder than this.

My mind is set on starting afresh with my life and to also meet that special person somehow, somewhere, that im uncertain when it will happen, but i believe it will.

Today is also mitsy's death anniversary. Lots of love to mitsy, whom i loved dearly, she left us in 2009, time passes so quickly its been 2 years. I miss you mitsy, and I love you.

Goodnight everyone, i look forward to later, to spend time with my family then to temple to attend teachings.

I thank my dear sister whom is always there for me, and my guru who never foresake me.

Merry Christmas :)

2010-12-25T01:23:00.003+08:00

Merry christmas with love and hugs :)
Time to spread some warmth, love and hug to your friends
enjoy giving love, and receiving love.

midnight

2010-12-23T02:09:00.000+08:00

is it because its midnight? I suddenly feel very lost... I shall just do some prayers and sleep.
Its going to be a brand new day tomorrow :) lama is always watching over me, i'll be okay, and i'll feel safe. maybe too much melodrama, but i know i don't feel at ease, i feel a sense of uneasiness, maybe insecurity.

May the power prayers remove all my delusion and obscurations
Goodnight Lama, Goodnight world.

have you ever

2010-12-20T01:42:00.004+08:00

This is an exceptionally feeling performance by Taylor Swift. very feeling, it touched my heart. She wrote this song and i loved it.

Have you ever felt like, sometimes there is a need to distract yourself, to forget a feeling.
Some feelings are etched in the heart, and can never seem to go away, no matter how hard you try to let go of the feeling, and try to move on, it seems to be always there, it gets lesser over time, but it still remains.

Feels like a feeling that maybe only longer time can replace. I got to give it some time. There are some people, worth missing, and there are some, worth giving a miss. It is how funny you could still miss someone you know you can let it pass.

I've felt that i could be missing him when he leaves. or maybe i just feel empty.

what's a fulfilling relationship when you haven't met the right person or i like to call it, the person meant for you. what's love.

love is two way, and when two person cherishes the relationship, only then it will last. That's my definition of being in love. It becomes more meaningful.

If you're in a relationship, yet unhappy, then maybe you can think about how you can make yourself happy again. Can't wait for things to change, you got to look for your own happiness,but from other aspect of your life, not from him or her. Or just, fall in love again, with someone else. That was my option.
Though I have yet to have found that person, I never regret my decision. to be brave to leave my unhappiness. lama, sangyumla, jie and friends and the strong desire to be happy again, were my strength, i couldn't had been able to walk alone.

I always believed, when you are in love, you should feel happy, or else it defeats the whole purpose of being together.

Be wise :)

Reflections

2010-12-19T02:47:00.005+08:00

This was something that I drew more than a year ago :) not sure where this piece of thing is now, but im glad i took a picture as momento, cuz it allowed me to reminisce the days when i could draw all the time in primary school.

While i was taking a walk around my neighbourhood after dinner on my own, the song Reflection from walt disney's cartoon Mulan, was playing on my i-pod, the song complements so well with what lama had reminded me after teachings while i offered Kata to him.
Letting my true nature show instead of the facade that I put on.

I only realise it when lama see through the mask i was donning, i was so fake in front of all the members, because i know the way i behave isn't the way i feel inside. I felt this need to be the 15 year old Valerie that people know when i just came to centre, happy-go-lucky, very loud, unaware, unreserved and stupid.

Valerie has already passed that stage, and the true self she was able to show, is to Lama and Sangyumla, Fervin and friends, and her blog. But many only knew the facade of valerie.

I felt very safe being loud, crazy and silly, so nobody takes me seriously, and i can be very happy learning dharma in centre without being noticed or be any of their hot topic, i just like the way it is. I feel insecure and inconfident in myself, to carry myself as accordingly to how i really feel, like there is so much i wanted to hide about myself.

Lama reminded me to allow my inner self to show, and let go of this facade. Its time to carry myself well im no longer 15, too old to behave like 15.

I decided to change my blogskin, cuz fervin changed his, very nice, i was inspired for a change too :) Goodnight Lama, goodnight world.

light of Hope

2010-12-16T02:03:00.004+08:00

Some words, when spoken breaks the spell of fear, awkwardness and pain. But speaking up takes courage. Say it while you can still breathe, say I love you, Thank you, I miss you, or I'm sorry.
Could you speak your mind while you can? could you say how you feel while you still have time or somebody to share with?

I finally gathered my nerves, to call him once again, as I heard the radio playing a song that reminds me of him. I know he's alone and lost and bitter, and I can't just leave him there, alone to suffer, I really need to tell him. I feel that i'll regret if I don't say it to him.

I requested lama to bless me, to bless that i'll be able to reach him this time
Called him, and his reply was: I'm busy, driving now. and he hung up.

i was prepared for the same thing to happen, feeling dejected, i kept walking, in my favourite weather, feeling the lightness of the breeze on my skin, and the sound of my footsteps on the wet ground, towards my home.

i thought i could reach him on msn, when i saw him online, then came his call, picking up the phone, i could hear him for the first time, asked him how he was, he said he was okay, and asked if i called to ask him to go back to centre just like the rest of my dharma brothers and sisters whom out of concern, called him.

I said: no, i just need to tell you something simple, i just want to tell you, don't forget you've got lama, and us.. thats all i need you to know.

And that's all i could do for him, to comfort him. to remind him that he always have lama, and us.
Thank you lama, for your blessings, to make this happen...

I know how hard it is to reach him when he refuses to let anyone near him, this is the furthest i could reach.. and the maximum i could push myself. It was difficult to care for somebody that left a significant mark on you, when you can't even handle your feelings

he is taking his entry test to apply for overseas studies of 3-4 years.

Im so tired now, i need to fall flat in bed... I requested lama to watch over me, so that he can guard my mind from all negative thoughts, and from feeling hurt.
I wish those simple words can help him through difficult times, or at least remember he have his guru, and dharma brothers and sisters, he's not alone.

goodnight lama, sangyumla, and world <3

As the time goes by

2010-12-09T22:30:00.002+08:00

Just as time passes, just as every moment brings us to the future, now is the future,
I bring myself along to the end of 2010, to the beginning of a new year 2011.

I know I had allowed myself to leave the past at where they were suppose to be, and cried my hearts out, something I cant do for a longest time. And i feel good now. I feel liberated.

I tried to call him, to tell him its okay, that he do not have to avoid me, do not have to feel akward or run away, wanted to tell him that i wish he would come to centre for teachings, not to foresake his practice and foresake lama. Wanted to tell him, his dad would be happy if hes coming to temple more. wanted to tell him, we dont have to burn ourselves, just be happy, whatever has happened, already happened cannot be changed, so just be happy.

Thou upon picking up, he just told me: im busy, driving now. and he hung up.

Though things didn't go the way i expected it to, there were things unsaid, but its enough that i plucked up the courage to face up to it, and try to make a difference.

its okay he didnt know in the end, it matters that i know now.

=) i felt so light and happy after crying, i felt like i don't harbour the burden in my heart now. that i no longer need to live with it. I can live without that heavy and suffocating feeling now.

Thank lama and buddha for all the blessings :)

3 more chapters to go for the test tomorrow, jiayou

Back to December

2010-11-26T01:12:00.002+08:00

Love Taylor Swift's songs, a talented and feeling singer and composer.
Leading my busy one week of e-learning week, with preparations for DJ and completion of e-learning work, the trip to MBS kindly invited by jie and helping jie to move to her new place.

Its Thursday, midnight, just finished looking through the DJ schedule and things needed for the camp and packing up of my messy table as messy as how I am now. But it's straightened out already. Just got to complete my remaining school work tomorrow, and follow through tomorrow's schedule.

May all be Auspicious for the DJ Camp 2010, May there be good weather, may it be dry and windy. May all the children, Teachers and Helpers enjoy themselves and have a good time :)

Sometimes, when people have no courage, they pull out and avoid instead of facing and solving whatever that comes in the way. But I don't blame him for the reaction that he gave, it's okay. I shall not burn myself or waste time by brooding over it. My life will not stop, it still goes on every moment.

It hurts when your family find you a burden. Everything that you do, is a cost and an expense.
I felt like crying but again, i couldn't... think im no longer that cry baby...

Every now, is a past, i shall let everything become a past, and look forward to the next moment and cherish every moment.

Goodnight Lama and Sangyumla, I love you.

curling up

2010-11-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder why I feel the way I feel, i wonder why i cringe and my chest hurts like it just got wrenched. When I can't explain why, and i cant express how i feel, i'll get angry and frustrated with myself. i will feel like hurting myself more.

Is my heart starting to feel again? is it not numb anymore? but all i know is my chest feels swollen. i feel like coughing, my chest feels tight. Feel like crying now.. my heart is still pounding very hard. im still afraid.. still afraid to see the people that left some scars on my heart. pain..
very pain...

I need to confess

2010-11-13T23:06:00.004+08:00

I need to confess and admit that all these while I've been living in self-denial. Self denial is a great, dis-ease. Disease comes from the meaning of being not at ease with yourself.

I just have to admit that i wasn't happy all along and i've felt very hurt and i still am vulnerable.

Just a vulnerable, insecure and scarred girl. not being able to face my own feelings, while i always tell people that its important to feel, and must always feel. I am feeling, but too feeling that i know it kills if i swallow everything on my own, because the pain was intense.

I will automatically put myself on numbing mode, so i don't feel anything. I have not cried, for about a month or two. I forgot how to. When i felt a little sadness linger in me, and when tears starts to gather in my eyes, the feeling just stopped abruptly and i cant release my emotions with tears, at all.

I just cant cry anymore. i feel miserable. Right now, i feel so vulnerable, i feel so lost, i wish there is somebody who can keep me safe in his arms and allow me to cry all i want, that's if i can still cry. I need somebody there for me, to love and to care for me, to laugh and to smile with me, that i also love.

I met a friend yesterday, hes a nice chap, hes really similar to me, just like me, he lives in denial, the difference is, i know how i feel, but he don't. I thought it was great he could make me laugh and i felt there is a lot in him that i see in myself, he feels just like a male version of me. He felt like someone i know for a long time. thank him for the time and company, hope he enjoyed my company just as much as i did.

Val, may your life change for the better, your body is tired, as tired as how you feel inside, you really will die young if you carry on to live this way, your body is so tensed and you can just die in your sleep, you're damn tired, worn and maxed out. take care of yourself, cuz nobody can be there 24/7 to take care of your meals, sleep, happiness.

im tired, i really am... Lama, please send me someone, all that i need and want, that i will love.

go get it

2010-10-31T23:42:00.002+08:00

It is time to work on myself and achieve something, and change my life for the better.
I want to treat myself better, and try not to abuse and tax my body too much, and allow myself to feel relaxed.
I want to be on track on my Dharma practice
I want to get 6As in BFS in 2011
I want to contribute my service to Dharma junior the best that i can and see the smiles on children's faces
I want to lead a fulfilling life, so others can share the joy with me :)
I want to offer 6As to my Guru.

Goodnight world~

Some things can never be the same

2010-10-15T02:58:00.004+08:00

Some things, people and feelings can never be the same. There are times when you just look at the same thing that used to mean alot to you, that you feel affected by and feel strongly for, it cannot be the same again. The feelings that you have shared together, and the times and the things gone through together, it is almost impossible to ever be the same again.

Every moment is a past tense, because as i'm typing here, a second just passed me by. Over time, anything and everything changes, gradually when you're unaware. No matter how much pain one experiences, or how bad an experience one can ever go through, in time, it will all become a past, just another thing that happens in life. It will not seem like such a big deal, nor mean so much as when it just happened.

However, to realise this simple truth, it takes a lot of struggling, tears, pain, numbing, time and quite a long way to get by. I've came this far, alive. I owe this to my Guru and those around me, that cared for and loved me. Words cannot clearly describe feelings, but learning from what my Guru have taught me today, we borrow these words to send out and express feelings to others, so they can feel how we are feeling and what we are expressing.

The most wonderful ability man possess is being able to feel from the heart.
Thank you Lama for your teachings tonight, i missed you.

Namdrol Khandro

whats there to be bluey about

2010-10-01T02:37:00.004+08:00

Dear Lama, I feel at ease throughout the day for the first time. I cleared space in my cupboards, of course with my 2 doggies for company, nice music accompanied by cooling and laid back weather. Then did some house chores, and went out to tutor my friends' kid and had fun and laughter.

I didn't feel unhappy and waste my day away, getting stuck in a state of mind I wasn't able to walk away from. I just want to pray that, everyday I live my life meaningfully and happily so I don't waste my life away being brought down by any of my negative experiences and the aching pain I always had.

I feel so contented with my day today :) I want to smile from my heart, everyday.

Dear Lama, thank you for your unconditional blessings, love and care, my loving spiritual father.

Love,
Val Namdrol Khandro.

2010-09-26T18:42:00.002+08:00

what can i do, when my heart cringes... I just feel so painful in the heart.. it comes occasionally, its a feeling quite unbearable, that I have to go through many times.. i can only cry, but when even crying became more and more difficult, how do i go through this pain. I just lay here and not move. nobody to hold.. im sorry to myself, to let myself go through this pain..

smiling from my heart

2010-09-26T00:55:00.005+08:00

I want to smile from my heart again. I know I will soon, very soon.
My sister once told my guru, that im just like a picture book,
But nobody has ever picked this book up to read the pictures.
Im not that difficult to understand. Just need a little courage to tell me how you feel,
and i'll respond.

Slowly walking, walking away from these memories, that I know 20 years down the road, will be fond memories. Im moving forward, towards my goal, every second pass me by, what will tomorrow bring? Im moody and Pms-ing now because my stomach is cramping, therefore I feel that my mind is clouded. Nevermind I still need to release my emotions. HAHA.

Im single, and am available. Loving someone is like a full glass of milk. When you decide to move on, pour water into the glass of milk to dilute it, until it fully becomes water. Thats when you know, you probably is in love with another person, and or the love for that person has diluted. I want to dilute this glass of milk till it becomes plain water, so that someone else can occupy this space in my heart. will that person ever come before me?

I feel exceptionally vulnerable when im pmsing... but walking this far, i think im a strong person, definitely with the help of my Guru and all the other people because of him, i met.
Im so lucky, i really am.

I dont blame anyone for the pain that i've gone through, i don't even blame him. i want to feel happy again, i want to feel like how i used to want to bring smiles and sunshine to people's lives.

Grandad calls me Sunshine, and i can never forget the way he calls me. Though hes no longer here anymore, i still want to be his sunshine. I want to be other people's sunshine, at least my very existence is of some meaning. I want to pay respects to him in melbourne, when conditions allows i wish to. Grandad makes me feel so special, though in blood, we are not related at all, but he truly feels like my very own grandad.

I always happen to meet people, when they are leaving. Most of the time, I walk the last journey of their life with them, and without my knowing, they left. Sometimes i wonder, am i a jinx? but positively, i was able to see them through, till they rest. I have no regrets.

I pray to Lama and Buddha, may my dear Mitsy beloved doggie, Grandad, Godpa and Godmum have perfect human rebirth in their next lives, to practice dharma for the benefit of the people around them and even all sentient beings. OM AH HUNG!

oh, and they left me like during 2008, 2009, 2010 consecutively. wow, so many things happen all the time.. my life indeed is filled with impermanence and changes, so many guys came into my life and left, so many times I got hurt, picked myself up and got hurt again, so many people came and left footprints in my life. its a cycle.

Im so happy, fortunately I still have lama and sangyumla that will never foresake me, fervin and family that took care and loves me, and my dharma family, and of course, my very own family whose love for me is so noble.

But, sometimes i still feel empty.

I dont want to be with somebody just because I feel empty and lonely,
I want to be with somebody, because I want to, and because I like that person.
If I like a person, i would tell him or her, at least I try, even if i may get rejected.
Dont keep admiration to yourself, because you never know when your opportunity may be lost.

Im a hermit

2010-09-23T01:20:00.004+08:00

I don't talk to people very deeply, often enough. Im only able to open my hearts to my Lama and Sangyumla and very few close friends whom I consider them to be in my life. Other than that, I'm a tough nut to crack, the closer someone tries to get to me, the further I run away. I don't know why but that's me, im very protective and selective. I just don't like to show my vulnerable side to just anybody neither do I cry in front of anybody.

Im extremely sensitive, weird and picky, therefore I do not have alot of friends. My closest friend whom successfully opened my heart, other than Lama, is Fervin. I know I'm a very stubborn person even Lama knows I am :p

I don't mind being alone, I mind when I feel my life becomes interfered by others. I highly need personal space and time alone to feel and think about things. I really dislike it when my privacy is invaded, and I like to be very low profile because there's nothing interesting about me and my life that is worth discussing.

Lama is the best thing that happened in my life, my sister Fervin was the next best thing that happened in my life. Thanks to Lama I have so many wonderful people in my life, or else I think I would have died.

Besides Lama who knows me through and through, Fervin knows me inside out and can predict the very next move of mine hahaha, cuz it became so predictable.

I may appear to others as very far away or proud, but its just in my nature, to be very selective I don't trust people unnecessarily, I don't judge if that person has status, wealth or fame to be their friend, its the feeling that people give me to enable me to trust or be close to them.

Being pushy with me is the sure turn-me-off way to approach me. Because nobody can force me to do anything, im too stubborn, only Lama and fervin can subdue me. hahahaha. not even my parents. Lama and fervin has never forced me to do anything or to change, they very skillfully made me realise and want to change certain aspect of myself. Therefore, I hold my respect for my Guru, and hold my respect for this sister of mine whom was so patient with the stubborn me. If I were to teach myself, I would have banged the wall out of frustration. See, they are that skillful.

I love you

2010-09-15T00:19:00.006+08:00

I miss you, and I love you.
You promised to take good care of yourself and be happy,
You promised you will remember what I say when you feel regretful,
You promised you will just be your best and not someone else,
You promised you will come back for me when you have succeeded in life,
And I know you will always remember, we once had each other, once married.
Time will be 5 years.

All I can promise you is, I will learn to live well and be happy.
I want to wait for you, but I can't promise I will definitely be there at the end of the day.
The choice that I made, im giving away a piece of me, because I love you more than myself.
Maybe our song will not have to be 'the best of me', but 'you're still the one'.

Let go

2010-09-02T12:27:00.003+08:00

I left him last Friday... This week, godmum left on Monday. Letting go of this relationship was my choice, its painful of course to leave your heart feeling hollow removing someone you love from your heart, is a really difficult process to endure, but this person really is not worth my time and my love.

He seem to be moving on really well though, good for him, i'm just slowly getting him out of mind, and not allowing him to invade the space in my heart.

Just like the milk fills a glass, my mind was filled with memories with him, the feelings i have for him, heart feels numb perhaps too numb with the cringe and pain. May water fill this glass, allowing the milk to be diluted until it becomes plain water, so other flavours can be mixed with the plain water.

Godmum is in good hands, Thanks to the kindness of my Lama, whom advised me to have centre's chanting services. Today will be the last day of chanting, and tomorrow will be the funeral parade, i'll send her off.

Short holidays...

2010-08-14T23:03:00.003+08:00

My first stay over chalet, at pasir ris chalet, Costa Sands resort. With Jie, Fauline and her Boyfriend.

Jie's friend sent us here, so that we save the hassle of traveling, so thankful.

Wished Jingwei is here, to share this homely BBQ chalet together, the fun and laughter. I seldom attend chalets, unless I really am comfortable with the people, my first stay over.

He didn't make it today, I missed him. He's going through a period of stress this week, and needed space out. I'll be by his side tomorrow, spend some time together.

I had fun, with jie, fauline and jason, laughed damn hard, sweat alot over the burning pit, ate alot of delicious food that we all made effort in preparing, alex being our sponsor.

Now im laying on the comfort of the bed, jie snoring beside me and the couple wrapping around each other lovingly :) it feels nice to just laze around like that...
Catching a movie at 1am later "Love in Disguise" going to enjoy that

Thank you guys, for inviting me over.

Thank you lama, for blessing me with kind and good friends whom are like family, and someone I really love.

Goodnight~

爱活在心上，不受谁的决定改变方向，你真爱过，那就是答案

2010-07-26T20:24:00.002+08:00

My sister shared with me:

爱活在心上，不受谁的决定改变方向，你真爱过，那就是答案

how meaningful... it hit right into my heart, i don't have alot to share today..

Love

2010-07-04T22:33:00.005+08:00

Love, the definition of love was explained by Khen Rinpoche as Wanting the person to be happy and having compassion for that person.

Simple and sweet

My spiritual mother told me, How to love and feel love if one doesn't love wholeheartedly? How will one know what is love if one has not truly love a person with her heart?

Do u want to love or be loved? Being love is good but to be able to love will show u what love is.

There's no perfect relationship. Relationship will last when 2 person really cherish the relationship and want to make it last

Some like it for the first time, some don't. Some enjoy it after a long time just like good wine but some will get bored of it after some time

The only way to not get bored of it is to always try to spice it up with new flavours.

These are the kind words of advice my spiritual mother gave me... I was so inspired and blown away.

I wish for my partner to know, what it means to be together, how he should help himself before he can really take care of me. Because, I really think I do need somebody to lean on that can take care of me, and I can also take care of him.

I hope this advice on love by the wise ones can benefit anyone in a relationship,

May all beings have Blissful and Happy relationships

Om Ah Hung~

Need to take a walk

2010-05-24T12:58:00.004+08:00

So need to take a walk... Walk into the fresh greenery with cool breeze, it will make me feel as though every thought that runs through my mind will go with the wind. I need space to think things through, organize myself and be prepared for whatever that comes.

Little has walked into this forest of my heart, into the depths of the forest to see the beauty and ugly of it all. I am trying not to escape, because no matter how far I run, I am still running around this forest of mine, I end up at the same places again and again.

Two extraordinary people in my life has reached this depth, will the man I love reach into the depth of this forest? Maybe he needs to find the forest of his heart to begin with.

May my Guru, our mind-seal deity bless me with vast wisdom to break through all ignorance, obscuration and delusion of mind, to benefit all sentient beings through wisdom and knowledge.

OM AH HUNG!

The nights

2010-04-30T02:20:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you'll just wonder, why so many nights are spent alone. Its so nice to enjoy the peace and serene when you are alone, to think about what you can do with your life to benefit others. Yet sometimes you just wish somebody special to you is by your side spending the night together.

No time to waste yearning for the person to appear, because my time needs to be put into good use to develop myself, to practice and have a flexible, virtuous and controlled mind. I wish to at least be able to do well in my studies and fulfill all the things I need to do in my life, before this person appears to work with me and to share his love with me.

I need to be responsible for myself, before I can love another. because loving a person is a life long responsibility, just like when I have adopted my dogs. That is how I will define it when I know this is the person I love that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

每个人的心声

2010-04-27T23:03:00.002+08:00

又到了跟心灵对话的时间。。。我们多常对自己说话呢？其实很少，因为往往我们最害怕的就是面对自己，所以都很少问自己问题，只是一笑而过。不知不觉，不懂过了多久才发觉，原来一直以来都在逃避，逃避孤独，逃避问题，逃避害怕，逃避自己。

逃避久了就忘了自己是谁。忘了真正要的是什么，忘了怎么对自己城实。可能对自己说话，是走出逃避自己很好的一种练习。我已经厌倦了活在封闭自己的世界。是时候面对现实生活了。

当有人问我是否知道自己要的是什么是，我都有一脸的无奈。因为我知道，我不知道。每当问自己这个问题时，心里都回又一股慕名的空虚。

但是人活着总该懂得自己要的是什么，有大概的目标才对，不能荒废生命，沉淀于失意当中。所以，今天我要好好的问问我的心，我到底要的是什么。

我好想好想遇见一个懂我的心的人。一个能得到我的心的人。在我觉得茫然之余握着我的手，告诉我 “你要坚定，你可以的”。在我觉得疲惫时，给我拥抱告诉我他很爱我。看似简单却难以达成的事，所以都不敢想，也不敢告诉自己这是我要的。

我好想不负众望，考好年考。彻底了解自己在修的课程，不害怕，用心的读，然后考出好成绩。但因为连续的失败，没勇气面对从容谦虚的学习，像高中时期的那份耐心，坚持与信念。我要找回那种感觉，并在修读的课程里注入一样的精神。

我好想很有意识与创意的将佛法运用在每个生活点滴。这样生活与观念才能改变。我要跨出这累人的小框框，一样富有抱怨，不快，与伤感的自己。我的生活可以很美好，只限于一念之差。改变这陈旧的想法，就会往好的方面想，才能快乐。

我要有坚强的心，才能让我的上师依靠我。

这样告诉自己，舒服多了，因为我原来也有为自己想要的事情，但是都不敢说出来，因为不懂该怎么做好。现在开始，想怎么办到想要做的事不就好了吗？我不能放弃，不管我多慢，还是要走到。我要加快脚步。

Today...

2010-04-24T00:56:00.004+08:00

When you look back, each time a problem sets in, it gets bigger, its because you have grown to be more adapted and accomplished to overcome problems. Problems are just like us, once you solve it, it cease to exist but to continue existence it will become like a big bully but with balls so small.

Don't see problems too big, to solve a problem you must be bigger than the problem. Just like facing a tiger with awareness of death. Once you do not fear death, you see a tiger as a cat. That is how we should face ourselves, and the problem. Because for all that i'm aware of, problems often arise from myself.

If i'm going to run away from myself and escape from reality, this fear will only grow bigger and swallow the whole of my being. The sooner i overcome my fears and face myself, the sooner will this fear cease.

I do not want to allow my own fears to haunt me for the rest of my life, and to live in a world of what i make out to be nice and perfect. I am my greatest enemy because all emotions that I experience arises because of ME.

I have allowed and spoilt myself by wallowing in self-pity, and live in the world of my own so much so that I failed to observe my own surroundings and even myself.

Because I shut myself out therefore I feel bitter everywhere i go.

Because Buddha doesn't only help us, he guide us to help ourselves and pick ourselves up from where we have fallen.

Therefore my Lama asked Jie to come and guide me along, not by telling me whats wrong, but allowing me to go through things to make me feel and realize on my own.

I'm sorry i took so long. But I never given up, no matter how much of a struggle it takes, at the very last minute when i felt like letting go of myself, I am always shaken awake, and I am better than how I was.

So long as I don't give up on myself, my guru and sister will not.

Right now, I don't want to waste anymore time, I just want to train myself and feel for what I have learnt and be able to apply them.

I felt like a piece of glass over me has broken.

Emotionally dependent

2010-04-12T20:16:00.003+08:00

i am, so, very emotionally dependent on my guru, so emotionally dependent on my sister.

Maybe i was so tired of feeling alone. Before i met my guru and Jie, i am always alone. Now emotionally im never alone.

is it good or bad? Lama would always say "there is no good nor bad" hahaha... he doesn't give a dead answer, he would always give me answers that makes my heart tingles and feel again, for once, the idea I was so used to, and make me ask myself "is it what i always thought it is?"

He never instills perception, anything and everything is possible.

i guess if it doesn't arise at their expense, it should be healthy...

i just do not want to become anybody's baggage, or a piece of ginger that my guru is holding.

never should i cause anyone to feel this way. An emotional baggage, is still a baggage.

I remember i used to tell myself I will never be emotionally dependent on anybody, because i never liked to depend on anyone. i always am, that weird nut.

oh well... these are the people that will always be in my heart. maybe the real reason why i dont want to emotionally be dependent on anybody because, i know, one day they will leave me.

Its been a crazy few weeks

2010-03-19T22:29:00.005+08:00

Started work on 8th March' 10

Animal Liberation was @ 13th March' 10

It was meaningful and adventurous! I nearly flew off the boat!

We had our first Dakini Dance in TCCL

I know my expression looks akward...

Its been busy, busy, busy... Finally i'm able to rest during the weekends. We had Animal Liberation, me starting work at RBS as a telesales person, concurrently practicing the Dakini Dance for Lama's Long Life Puja and finally the actual Long Life Puja for Lama.

Its all worth the energy and time... I'm going to miss seeing lama, he is going on a retreat this coming Monday. He will be going for 6 weeks. May my Lama have a good rest during his retreat and come back feeling Recharged and Happy =) OM AH HUNG!

For now, I will just be taking things slowly, one at a time. Failed a module, internship gets implicated as the school may want me to continue attending school and shorten the entire 6 months internship to only 2 months. I will go with the flow and do my best as accordingly to the conditions that arises. I'm not worried, nor am I afraid.

"Don't look at things too big, to overcome it you must be bigger than the problem.

A tiger will become a cat if you dare to face a tiger with the awareness of death, and not afraid you will just see it as a cat...

Because problems are just like us, once we solve it they cease to exist, but to continue existence they will try ways and means to make you be afraid of them like bully. Act big but the balls small like sesame" L.T.N.D & Thubten Gyatso

I love all that I have in my life now... =)

Om Ah Hung

2010-03-09T23:47:00.003+08:00

"Stand firm on the ground like a Bodhi tree, only then you are able to provide shade for others, even if you were to be chopped down to be made into furnitures or things at least you are useful to others and not to be taken advantage or made use of" Lama Thubten Namdrol Dorje

This sentence may seem so direct and simple, but it takes a lot of energy and to go through some experiences to truly understand its meaning.

Basic Dharma knowledge like setting our motivations right in whatever we do is always emphasized and we are well aware of, but often we just pay lip service and never put it into practice.

Only when you waver and feel so negative that you start to get a hold on yourself then you realise that its the root of all the problems. If you have set your motivations right and be firm, nothing can waver you.

And its only now that I realise everything that my Guru has taught, is to prepare us and to protect us so that we will not be washed away by the waves of Samsara. Everything that he taught, is applicable, and things really happen.

He gave us the antidote, and shown us the ropes, so when we are in samsara, we must learn how to identify our problems and know which antidote to use to relieve our sufferings and other sentient beings sufferings.

Sarwa Mangalam,

May All Sentient Beings Practice the Dharma and never be separated from the Wheel of Dharma

May i Practice the Dharma and Attain Enlightenment for the Benefit of all Mother Sentient Beings

OM AH HUNG

2010-03-05T00:12:00.002+08:00

曾经爱过，曾经动情，当一切已过去，只在乎曾经拥有。我已决定仰望着前面的途行继续向前进。“随缘不是随便，而是在困境中时懂得怎么随机应变” -喇嘛图登南多多杰

虽然这次我的爱情没成功，但是这不是失败。因为我已经尝试过，没有谁对谁错，大家都尽力了，只能对你说，祝福你幸福快乐。

我期待下一个走进我身命的爱情，希望这新的爱能够超越平凡的爱，希望他是能和我一心帮助 lama 的人，为了利乐众生而发愿成佛的人。我期待他的到来。愿您是一心一意爱我的人。

so so tired....

2010-02-24T00:48:00.003+08:00

So so tired... Never felt this tired in the longest time, like I can break into many pieces anytime... If I still don't sleep I wonder what will happen to me... Thats not the point, the point is that exam is over, and i am savoring every bit of the luxury of time, hence I refuse to move my butt off this chair and choose to stare at the computer.

Signs of a person falling sick... sneezing in the air-conditoned room feeling warm. Zzz please let me enjoy this slow paced one week and few days before I start working at RBS. Days of little sleep and hours of reading can really wear one out by a lot and reduce them to the age of additional 5 years.

I hope its all worth it, even though I know I wouldn't come up with fantastic results. May all go well...

let me transform my mind and look at the bright side of things, whatever happened has happened... I now look forward and enjoy all the nice things that are happening from now onwards like this very moment i'm able to sit infront of the laptop knowing that I do not have to rush or feel stressed or deprive myself of sleep I can just sit here and allow my mind to relax, allow every single muscles in my body to relax...

OM MANI PADME HUNG. Thank you Lama and all the deities that I have requested for blessings and have given me their blessings, Thank you for watching over me, and blessing me with strength, comfort and perseverance to survive through these crazy few days...

OM AH HUNG

Also thank Jie, Nigel, Popo, Anton, my family and some of my school mates for their encouragement and company... Jie thanks for the late-night phone chatting and 38 sessions so i don't get bored studying through the day and night.

Goodnight Lama, Buddha, Goodnight the night sky, may the stars shine beautifully and light up the moon brightly to bring comfort and hope to people who cant sleep at night feeling lonely and sad.

Loads of Love,

Valerie Namdrol Khandro

Sometimes...

2010-02-18T01:08:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, sitting in the dark is comforting... Looking at nature too is comforting... Thinking about your guru gives you strength and comfort...

He once told me, and it can always be applied... “鸡蛋破了，当然会痛啦。。。”

Its another passerby in my life that left footprints behind... Many a times, I wish you would be the one, and let this be our last stop, so we don't have to search any further, till the day we agree to spend the rest of our life together. Many a times, I wish you would be the one, so that you can stop here, to give me security, to take care of each other...

The wait is tiring, the yearning for the one to appear is exhausting... So much that I wish you can become the one even if you are not right now, but it don't seem to be the case. I am Sorry for my selfishness, im not able to appreciate you the way you are...

Miss insecure often feels vulnerable, may the next passerby take pity on this insecurity, and love with all his heart to be her strength and support, and to stay on.

Happy New Year

2010-02-15T22:34:00.006+08:00

Some Highlights of 2010

Chinese New Year Eve;

Was spent at TCCL with our Guru, Lion Dances and Loads of Blessings...

Day 1 of Chinese New Year: Temple visiting...

First we went to 竹林寺，

Where my God-pa's Tablet is placed there... Shall pay respect to him there soon, when i'm free :)

Then Sri Lanka Buddhist Temple at St. Michael's Road

Master's Kindness, Compassion and Serenity really influenced me, it make us feel very serene, I rejoice in his practice, hes really gentle when he speaks, it reminds us to be gentle with ourselves, with our mind.

Third, A Taoist Temple at Balestier

Lastly, A Taoist Temple at Payar Lebar

Then we went on to my Grandad's Sister's place.

This picture is taken at 竹林寺, Zhu Lin Temple

Day 2: Paying Respect to Lama @ TCCL

We went to Lama's house for visiting...

Aftermath of Lama's House Visiting, Shiniang looked Gorgeous today in the traditional Gua...

Beautiful~ Amala also looked gorgeous in traditional Gua, shes beautiful...

Time flies...

2010-02-11T15:10:00.003+08:00

Year after year, days pass me by, its another year, another birthday again...

Every birthday reminds me how lonely I actually am... Most of the time I rather forget... Sometimes I really forgotten, it feels much happier on normal days. I miss my god-pa, how I wish I would have spent some time with him... Never had any chance to treat him a meal...

I remember how my god-parents ate mango cake on my birthday the countless number of times... every year we eat the same cake at the same place, usually... its funny how i disliked having the same thing every year...

I remember when I was young, in my heart, I so wanted to bring them for a meal when I grow up when I start working... Sometimes before you can do something, it can never be done.

Wanted to visit Grandad during holidays again when financial conditions allows, to hear him call me Sunshine... or to hear him wish me Happy Birthday over the phone...

I wish mitsy walks around me and looks me into the eye, let me carry and touch her on my birthday...

Its those that feels very strongly connected and have me in their heart that leaves me, sooner than I realise... They just go one by one, leaving you where you are... when you realise you feel empty, its when you realise each and every one of them contribute to the warmth in your heart..

2009-12-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

I miss talking to my sister, best friend...

Its always nice to talk to Jie, because I do not have to use my brains...

Same goes for Jie, we communicate with our hearts.

It makes life simpler... Makes communication feeling, Makes our thoughts clearer.

It makes me feel like theres one more person besides our Guru,

That we can speak to, using our hearts, and not talking to an empty vessel.

2009-12-14T23:21:00.003+08:00

May my Guru Live Happy, Long and Stable life

May my Guru grant blessings to the following;

May my mind be as vast as the universe

May all adverse conditions with its causes and effects be transformed

into Auspicious cause, condition and effect

May all my Loved ones, be watched over by our Guru and all ten directional

Buddhas and Bodhisattva

May we all practice the Dharma to attain enlightenment for the sake of all Mother sentient beings

Om Ah Hung

2009-11-01T14:47:00.004+08:00

My Adventure on the Escape from Home...

May I Offer this very first gutsy experience I ever had in my whole wide life, to my Guru and Buddha... I am thankful towards Jie, my Brother, Aunty Kl and Uncle Roger who took me in their place when im down and out..

Things that I received from my Dad, a Tight Slap and ten dollars today... A three person gang lashing and some violence in the house... With yet another trauma for Valerie... Who tugged her golden necklace out in exasperation.. Thats how dramatic it can get..

My brother came to my rescue, in accordance with ah jie's immediate advice, I swiftly packed my bags, with all my necessities, school stuff, cosmetics, contact lenses, all my clothings, books, er hu, prayer text and notebooks, dharma books, Dorje and bell.. As swift as it can ever get..

We swiftly proceeded on to hail a cab, and left bukit batok..

With my sister's Bitchiness overriding, she unleashed her inner devil, blocking the hermit's way, and wreaking havoc in the house through words of poison...

With Anger taking over, my father pinned me against the wall with all his might, and swung his hands across my face.. Dragging me out of the room, leaving me hanging like a dead doll..

With feelings of conceit and glee, my grandfather spilled oil to fuel the blazing fire...

All these craziness leads to the leaving of the house of Namdrol Khandro, supposedly a Dakini, whom has not yet become a Dakini, therefore has no influence, poise and wisdom like the dakini to be able to save herself from this "family". More like the Asylum.. whereby the people who lives in it, are mentally and emotionally off balanced..

With a sister whom is lonesome, yet unhappy that her siblings have friends....

A Dad that is poisoned by his self Ego, whom he thinks he knows everything, and tries to control me.. he can try.. try me.. I will allow myself to dissolve before him so that there are no remains left even to be controlled...

A Grandfather who doesn't enjoy peace in the house and fancies good drama, and likes to take up a role in this play..

A Grandma whom is feeling sick, because her mind is... Whom constantly worries for her grandchildren.. whom i know truly cares..

Goodbye house of the asylum... I had enough.. I need a break. I'm enjoying my break away... My freedom... For, I do not belong to anybody, not my parents, nor my family members... Its my own life, I call the shots... I offered my Body, Speech and Mind to my Guru, so I only and willingly belongs to my Guru..

2009-10-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

Hello there,

Today marks the first time I spent full day with him :) I was cringing at first in the morning, leaving my comfort zone wasn't easy at all, thinking about all the good times we have spent, doing spiritual work and bitching around... It was that familiar feeling and the "mo qi" we have that i miss so much. It always excites me to get inspired by what you share with me, it constantly lights me up... maybe now is the time that i share this flame with somebody that is worth it, someone kind, to also enjoy dharma and get inspired...

I never forgotten about awareness... I don't know what to think about, to allow myself to feel more at ease but to carry out my promises.. I just keep applying what i have learnt so far, according to the situations I had with him, the things that i do that you have taught, like doing prayers, i introduced that to him, we did it together...

I felt really happy that he was willing to do it together with me. I can't possibly introduce everything that i've learnt to him in a day, but whatever I feel at the moment he can practice, and also learn, I'll share with him.. I felt I did my best today, and I pray, tomorrow, and the day after and everyday I shall also put in my best in whatever i do.

I'm just afraid that I will feel too comfortable and forget about everything I have promised. I dare not let my guts down. However, at the end of the day, I felt.. If i were to put my best in everything that I do, wont it be more natural? Balance is the key to strike the perfect melody.. Its what I told nigel about his studies... I should also preach what i said when it comes to my practice and my school work.

Today, my little achievement is having done my tutorials for tomorrow, and halfway through for the tutorial of another module... I reached home on time, kept my family members updated. I am picking myself up, from where I have left them... like little shattered pieces of glass, i'm picking up all the pieces, and melting them under heat strong enough, to reshape it...

I have started with little things in my life that I have ignored, that became big things.. to right the wrong. I now pray, to be conditioned and for this to become a habit, to have awareness. With awareness, the sense of responsibility towards my own life, and discipline will come as I take notice of things around me.

*signs that caught my eye*

I saw 2 tibetan monks at commonwealth train station.

I saw a waterfall at novena when i was studying, looking out to the window. It looks like the oracle card that I picked out the other time with you, back then you asked me to explain, and I said, just like water, we will eventually meet up again. Because, you are Thubten Gyatso, ocean of compassion. I felt comforted and found more strength in studying.

Songs in my i-pod kept playing the miley cyrus songs, fan wei qi songs, and those we had good times singing.

About him...

he's always lonely... extremely independent ever since he was able to take care of himself..

Very filial towards his parents, and never resented them for causing him to go through all these loneliness and tough times, all by himself. yet, he wanted to take care of me so much... I couldn't express my feelings for him, it can only be felt. I used to be able to tell jing wei, so many things I felt inside, but nigel is doing all these for me now.

Its not because I don't love him, but somehow the feelings that I have towards him, does not need reassurance through saying out. It can only be felt. How i feel comfortable with him around, how i'm able to share whatever i wanted, how i feel very appreciative for him to treat me right.

Because it just seems like he is another me, so i do not have to say much about how i feel. Feels like he understands me too well, and I understand him too, because we are somewhat exactly the same. It just feels so odd, that we seem to have been together for so long that everything has already been built, the trust, security, love... we just picked up from where we have stopped.

I have nothing more to say for today, may i be able to observe myself even better tomorrow :) Om Ah Hung

May my Guru lead a long and stable life

May my sister fulfill all his commands well

May my boyfriend become the precious son of the Buddha and aspire to become Buddha.

May I be able to carry out my guru's commands, and live up to the expectations of my beloved sister.

2009-09-14T01:36:00.003+08:00

Healthy Diet on the go

Finally, Jie and I compromised on a Dieting plan. More like carrying out our commands. Lama instructed me to ask jie to lose weight, or else i'll be answerable =P hahaha! Fastfood be gone, Hello salads =) In 2 weeks time, Jie will lose 6kg, and i'll lose 4kg ;)

Just within a few days of time, Jie and I embarked on a new project- my brother. Jie have a few cases on hand, I would assist him in anyways I can!

Feeling a tinge of confusion now, with my mind deluded and untamed. I want to do my prayers and meditation to calm my mind down, to be grounded by my practice. I am threatened by the delusions that appears like pop-up adverts on the internet, that left my mind scattered because it was wavered by the falsities that manifested.

I need Buddha's antidote to cease the fire of negative thoughts that causes the animals in the forest to go wild in fright. May Buddha's Love, Compassion and Kindness tame the wild animals.

OM AH HUNG

May I request my Guru Lama, whom in reality is already a Buddha, bless us, his disciples with wisdom, calmness and compassion to turn each situation around to become positive. May we have growth and results in our Dharma cultivation to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all

sentient beings.

OM AH HUNG

May ah jie be together with his darling in a month, and may my darling be together with me as soon as ah jie is together with his. May we practice dharma together and spread dharma with our means and beyond, through spiritual, monetary, entertainment and academically.

OM AH HUNG

May I have a sum of money to get myself a new wardrobe and necessities to prepare myself for school, so that I will be able to carry out my Guru's Commands for me with good conditions created. May I also have a sum of money to repay energy exchange for the december thousand armed chenresig retreat.

OM AH HUNG

Sarwa Mangalam, May all be Auspicious.

Lama, I Love You. Jie, I love you too! My future darling, I love you too!

2009-09-01T01:28:00.004+08:00

Have no identity like the Leaf on the tree- Lama Thubten Namdrol Dorje

This is one of my favourite quotes by lama. So wise and clear. Lama I Love you!

This holiday, through the kindness of my Guru and the Triple Gem as well as my teacher and sister Fervin, I am inspired and determined to spend my holidays meaningfully. I want to do more prostrations to the 35 Buddhas, recite more prayers, read the 2 books, attend all teachings by lama, meditate each day for at least 10 minutes, improve my skin to have clear skin and lose some weight and tone up, keeping my body fit and healthy.

I want to shine from inside and out and be a suitable vessel for receiving the Dharma and Sharing dharma and my own experiences, inspire other beings to live life spiritually, inspire them to transform their own lives.

I will be happy reading books, as my wisdom lies in the books, I want to indulge in the dharma books to learn and to feel. I will be happy doing meditation each day, to connect with my own heart and spend time with myself where I used to not be aware of and was unable to do so.

Well, having said so much, its time to allow some rest to my body and giving thanks to my guru, my parents and my body for the good day I had.

May all beings be Happy.

Om Ah Hung

2009-08-26T01:03:00.003+08:00

Title: Love to be unfold

I await for that person to appear in my life, and to stay in my heart. I wish I stay in his heart too. I wish we practice dharma through our Body, Speech and Mind to make this relationship meaningful, to not only think for oneself but to share this Joy and Happiness between us to more beings. With an extra pair of hands, extra help, an extra push, motivation and positivity, we can do much more to spread wonderful teachings of the Buddha to anybody and everybody and carry out activities for many and also to give through our ability and capability to help our Guru benefit other beings.

I pray for you to have good karma and conditions to practice the Dharma, to willingly regard Lama as your Guru, then we will see him as our Guru. As a qualified teacher is hard to come by, and right infront of you is the Buddha that is precious to me, whom I have an ocean of respect for. May you follow me, in this path, towards enlightenment, to liberate oneself for the sake of all other sentient beings.

Om Ah Hung.

2009-08-26T00:31:00.003+08:00

Titile: Its been a little tough...

Dear Lama and Mother Tara,

My body finally showed some signs of a human. I have not fallen sick in a long time, despite my lack of sleep, stress and fatigue. Had slight fever just now, but now it subsided. My body is stubborn like me, it keeps holding back, and refuses to give up.

No matter how my result in my exam will turn out, I shall not give up on myself, I just want to put in the best I can now. It really is tiring and draining, to put in so much energy into the exams, when I am fully aware, I havent built the bric

ks properly at the beginning.

I have another semester to go after this episode, that will be a direction I set for myself, to apply whatever I have learnt early this year. After all the tumbles, the lost in direction, i've learnt the beauty of consistency. May I apply it the next semester, let the new semester mark a fresh start for me, in my life. Or rather let this holidays be the beginning of a fresh start.

Love, something that I yearn for deep down from the b

ottom of my heart. Only when you only have a few people in your life whom you can really connect with, then will you appreciate their existence in your life. The true friend that I ever had is, Jie. Lama is my holy spiritual father, also a spiritual friend, however I cant expect my guru to hang on the phone with me, and laugh and spend so much time together for company.

I never fail to enjoy company with Jie. We always being very 38, always discussing about different possibilities in life, sharing our insights, feelings. Constantly talking about Dharma, guys, Dharma, Guys and Dharma. It is very fulfilling to have a good sister to discuss about life, death and happiness, how happiness can be shared with others. I

t is truly a friendship that is one of a kind, that I believe, I can never find any sister like jie whom shares this sense of humour and light hearted attitude towards life.

I cherish every moment we hang out together, knowing that life itself is transient. Things changes, especially good things don't always come back the same way twice.

My friends in my life are very important to me, like my family and more so like Dharma. I may have only one friend that is very close to my heart, but I feel happy. I don't see the need to have many friends whom we can only connect with on the surface. Of course, the more friends the merrier, to have genuine connection, care and concern for each

other. But in my life, under my conditions, it seem really hard to come by.

I am grateful , happy and feel warm in the heart to know that at least, there is someone in this world whom I can connect with without putting on a facade.

Dear Lama, I miss you. I may not be able to show you results with flying colours right now, but I do learn alot from the early part of this year up till now, that I want to apply in the next semester. I am sorry. I am also sorry to my parents, whom have raised me up and spent so much money on me, all for my sake, for me to have a bright future and a better life.

Lama, thank you for caring for me from the bottom of your heart. I may not have opportunity to open up to you in person, let me start here, to feel and build a connection between me and my Guru. The feelings that I experienced these few years, really cannot be described with words, one can only feel it if they encounter similar experiences. Meeting my guru has changed my life, shaped my mind constantly, through series of events and challenges that are placed upon me.

I thank Mother Tara, for always answering to my prayers, and connecting with my heart :)

2009-07-23T23:22:00.002+08:00

Living, Breathing, Feeling...

Yesterday I had a great time doing all that I that I wanted. All that i wanted was to be able to follow my heart, and do what my heart desires at that very point in time, and I was glad I fulfilled it. I rarely get the chance to do what I really want to, at that very moment in time.

Did very long prayers, prostrations, dedications, meditation and chakra clearing... All that I wasnt able to do because Im always tied down by one thing or another. Finally... it feels so good, and addictive to be able to do so. =) I looked fresh today, felt happy.

Met Jie for dinner today, we sampat hahaha. As usual, topic will always revolve around dharma in our lives. Its interesting how we are able to do so and never get tired about discussing it all the time. Jie and I are great sisters, because we seem to share the same sentiments, even though his wisdom is far beyond his age, and mine is lagging far behind due to the consequence of inexperience in my practice, there is just this special bond between us, that says family-like sisterhood.

I truly appreciate from the bottom of my heart, that this person has picked me up from my mess during the lowest peak in my life, when I was always alone. Thank you for helping me pick myself up, helping me start off in my practice, till the way I am now. Even though not ready and independent yet, I still do rely on you on many things, when it comes to making decisions, feeling, how things may be, you helped me to be back on track, on this path that became part of me.

You whom is the most worthy person, that I am able to call, a Friend, a Sister. This term "Friend" is often overly used and taken lightly by many, means alot to me, someone who values sincerity, honesty and loyalty in a Friend, that i call the person my Friend. You are definitely more than my Friend, you are like my Sister. Like a family that has known me my whole life. I Thank You from the bottom of my heart, for being in my life, for always being there for me.

Of course the 1st best thing that ever happened in my life is, Lama. I bet, Lama brought this sister to me, so I wont sink into depression. HAHAHA :) Lama's Love and kindness, can only be felt, its indescripable in words. Next would be Green wise lady and Sandals =)

Green wise lady, is ever compassionate, gorgeous and loving, she made sure im always on my toes, and give me tests to make me grow up to become a stronger and wiser person. Green wise lady is always looking over me with her loving compassion towards me and other beings. Sandals, share alot of similar traits likened to me. Shes always there for me, when im in need of help or in danger she protects me, when im down, she holds on to my hand, when my back aches, she removes the pain.

My parents, grandparents and siblings and koffi and mitsy loves me too... <3

Actually, valval is well-loved. Lama and shiniang loves me too =)

Thank you all, for Loving me. Someone so small, so unimportant and so troublesome... thank you

2009-07-22T14:10:00.003+08:00

Readings as of 22/7/09

1st row- God Box, Twin Flame, Shield yourself

2nd row- Release, Visualize success, Parents

3rd row- Integrity, Throat chakra, Cancel clear delete

4th row- Vegeterian, Mediumship

additional card- Ear chakras

2009-07-21T22:45:00.001+08:00

Hello there...

Today is a really tiring day. I feel so drained and negative towards the end of the day, my head just got denser and denser. After my last lesson which was lecture, I headed to van's place for tuition. Tuition was okay, meimei understood and felt confident about her test on friday which i will go through with her on thursday again...

I don't know why, only when i see him in lecture, I will start to feel listless and as if I was able put down this facade that I have infront of all my "friends". Negative it was, in a way to feel and remember that im all alone with nobody to talk to when I put this smiling and cheery facade down, right before lecture, which throughout I wasnt able to concentrate, I just felt like crying my hearts out.

He wasnt bothered about me the whole time during lectures. I can so understand why, because im the one who understands whats going on, but hes still pretty much ignorant about it. How would he know that I was able to let this facade down and peel off this protective layer infront of him, and thinking that at least during lectures if we were to sit together I will be able to get used to this faster and feel happier and smile from the bottom of my heart a little more today.

Sometimes hes cold, sometimes hes warm. The best way to react and to transform one's mind to accept this is to let go of any attachments to him, and let the law of attraction to do the job instead. So this was how i felt as i walked home, with head so dense from a tiring heavy day.

After showering, dinner and finally able to do my practice, the power of the prayers and offerings, confession, manifestation and chakra clearing did wonders. I just feel sleepy now, but no longer dense =) I love Lama, Mother Tara, Jie, Sandals and Haniel :)

hahaha. Im going to sleep early today, and wake up to do my best in the morning. Its not a bad day today, It just took me a little longer to appreciate my day when i finally feel relaxed. Oracle card reading time! wana connect with the flap flaps~~

Jie, hope you had a good day =) any stress of any kind, from the women in your house, please blog them down. hahaha valval is here to listen! *read i mean.

2009-07-21T01:43:00.003+08:00

Reply to Green wise lady, Jie, the 38 lady and ever pretty lady...

Green Wise Lady~

Thank you, you fully understand how I felt :) noted, every word. staying calm, and open to all bumps and obstacles to grow, the fear in me towards the unknown of whats going to happen, subsided.

Jie`~

CONGRAGULATIONS SISTA!!! so near your house la! wah seh good good hahaha, can save transport fee loh next time can come your house play when u knock off~ jie jie, have fun in your new environment check the potential guys out! hahaha if u see any new hunks that meets your eye, tell me in your blog! and eh our blogging system damn cool leh, i feel its like when you go for your long retreat in ladakh, kathmandu and tsang... Good night and sweet dreams jie, im like digging out alot of dharma stuff from my drawer that says " its time you do this..." will tell you more when i know what to do. Have Fun IN your new workplace~~~~ oh ya, i went to green pasture to look for sandals and i think i went green wise lady's place if i wasnt hallucinating hahaha. Love you JIE~

- sistas for lifetimes :)

the 38 lady~

SANDALS! It must be you right?? hahaha. Love you sandals :)

Ever pretty lady~

Haniel, its you hor? hahahah, i want my beee...... zzz zzz zzz :) thank you for the advice

2009-07-20T20:06:00.003+08:00

Emotional roller coastal- Feels like back to primary school, new environment, new setting, feels foreign.

First thing in the morning, I woked up late... lessons starts at 9am but i woked up at 8 despite the alarm that was suppose to be ringing at 5am to prepare myself for tutorials. Nevertheless, when i woked up in shock as my sister woke me, I raced to the bathroom. First thought was, "shit! Im late! Tutorials never do! HOW?!" then came, "Its okay, calm down, take a cab down, you know you need time to prepare for school and you have enough to spare at the beginning of the week, so you wont be late for school"

With this in mind, i went to school and sit through lessons all the way till 12.30pm. I took my refuge on the cab, did my auspicious prayers, lama's long life prayer and chanted mother tara's mantra. Feeling nervous, jumpy and afraid when i was in the cab, because I know im going to encounter everything on my own, I do know that those who care and loves me are watching over me, but its still a brand new experience that I am conditioned to have and am aware of.

Nevertheless, i felt much comforted after doing my prayers, and off i went into my first lesson of the day, FMGT. Shall not go into details of the work, because I am still re-organizing my school work, getting prepared for everything that is necessary.

Emotions...

Being fully aware that this test is temporary, being lonely is temporary, i should learning to overcome this loneliness to eventually know how to connect with sandals, green wise lady and my own guru. I guess its really normal to feel sad on the first day, to get used to being in this condition. I need to get myself familiarised, not by force, but by what i have learnt before... by going with the flow of things :)

My breakdown came when i found a heart shaped paper in between sliding phone. It felt so warm and comforting, I was staring at it for a moment, feeling lost and puzzled, "who gave me this? Jie? Marcus? Sandals?"

I couldnt help it, my nose felt a tinge of sour and I teared like nobody's business in the middle of Atrium"

Second breakdown came when I was having lectures from 2pm-4pm. Spilled my milo on the carpet, as spastic as i can get, many ppl gave me a pack of their tissue and i started laughing as I sipped the overflowing liquid onto the tissue and dumped it in the cup. Went out of the lecture hall to dispose off them mess, and to the toilet to clean up the mess on my hands.

Out of the toilet I went and I sat by the stairs to calm myself down... Ran away when i saw people approaching to the other side of the entrance of the LT. As I walked back to where I was when the coast is clear, Marc appeared. He was on the phone, and I was too dazed and stunned to do anything. As he walked away with his phone busily, I stood at a corner and waited for him. He was blabbering loads on the phone, as I was staring blankly and my heart cringed once again, tears rolled down my cheeks like raindrops onto my dress and shoes. When he was almost done, i got a little shock as he was right infront of me when my face was flooded with raindrops.

He held me so tight in his arms, I couldnt breathe, kept asking me what happened, and telling me everythings gonna be okay, while he caress my face. I just stared at him when he released me. His face was so close to mine, with eyes gazing into mine. He asked what happened, I just smiled and said "Its a secret" he said when ur ready tell me okay. Then off we went into the LT, i was shaking as i walked down the steps to my seat. Im not sure why, but i felt wobbly because of the extreme shifts in emotion.

Home i went.. 6pm i was home, and fell asleep. Woke up to update about how i feel. =) Val is going to be doing her practice after she showered and taken dinner. Then schoolwork time :)

P.S- Jie, please take care of yourself :) As you can see, im just experiencing new things, Im fine. Lama's command to me, is ingrained inside the seed of the flower. Lama, Mother tara and you are always in my heart. Sandals, im going to seeeeeee her when ive got the feeling to =) hehehehe! Blogging makes me "review" my performance for the day! weee~~~ Mother tara~~~ Lama~~~ Jie~~ sandals and haniel~~~

2009-07-17T19:25:00.007+08:00

Its a point of Re-Organization

I Love Lama my guru yidam and Mother Tara, Ah Jie, Sandals and Haniel. They never fail to touch my heart with their kindness :) The way they show they care and their love for you, is what nobody has ever done for me, besides my

parents.

I really feel appreciative towards them.

New direction in this phase. A point of re-organization. With all that I've learnt all these while, time for me to apply them and put them into good use in samsara... Jie said "If ure able to enjoy in the spiritual realm, you too can transform your mind and accept samsara as spiritual realm"

How cool is that.. Shall not let all these precious teachings come to waste, shall apply them at the right time in the right situation.

Feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves coming, Im all by myself without ah jie around to protect me and sampat with me, I gotta learn. JIAYOU! I will not let anyone down, not let my family down and most of all Lama, Mother Tara, Ah jie and the 2 flap flaps. Im excited because im given a new set of challenge to overcome and its a test to see how much i've grown, nervous because ah jie wont be around to help me! Though in my heart i know hes always there with Lama and mother tara =)

In my heart, I know what to do now. I shall carry them out

8:12pm

I Love this song

2009-07-14T22:29:00.002+08:00

I Like this song

Its Colours of the wind. Lyric goes like this :

You think I'm an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don't know?
You don't know ...

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Beautiful Lyrics that makes you feel that you aint so great after all, that there are many things that you fail to feel.

2009-07-01T14:27:00.002+08:00

Im in Love

Hello there... Im feeling so sleepy and lethargic.. Just want to share with you, Im in Love lately.

It has been a long time since I'm in Love with somebody. I could still remember the time when I detached my heart from someone I used to love so deeply, to move on with life and to Love myself and treat myself right when he didnt. Im in Love again, after some long journey of things that happened in life.

It was all neutral until I realised myself smiling at the thought of him, and when he appeared in my thoughts so very often, and laughing at the pictures we share. I was against this thought at first, but then when I think again, why not? We are all born to feel and experience Love of all kinds, there are no barriers to Love.

He isn't exceptionally handsome or charming, he carries a decent face with nice nose bridge and features, his face allowed his character to shine through him. All that I appreciate about this person is he is somebody who gave me warmth, treating me with respect and in a very gentle and caring manner.

This guy is the first guy whom attracted my attention, made me take notice of him, not solely to his outlook, but also his heart. He cares for the people around him from his heart, being very pure and straight forward in a sense, he take things as they are, without doubting if people whom showed him care, are genuine to him. He appreciates and gives much thought to the way he relates to people.

He is such a lonely soul, who has so much kept inside his heart, and numbs himself to subside the pain he experiences temporarily. Being so soft inside, he manifest a very cold and hard or aloof exterior, to protect himself and preserve his image of being an easy going and happy-go-lucky person. True feelings of himself is only known to him, he doesnt express the deepest feelings he has to anyone.

When it comes to Love, he will give his all when he recognizes someone whom he wants to spend his life with.

Such a fella, make me love him for the way he is, and to save him from his loneliness.

2009-06-20T01:09:00.004+08:00

Dark Skies Filled With Diamonds...

Had bonding time with our dear sangyumla, shiniang <3

Had the best laughter in such a long time. Being so childish, happy and carefree, like when I was little, like the little valerie I used to be :)

Lama left my heart feeling so warm and comforting tonight. He is a teacher, protector, and any other manifestations that protects, guides and helps me at all times. Through Ms Antonia tan, she kindly shared that our guru taught us that there are three types of guru devotion.

Instantaneous faith to your guru, which can die almost as instantly when your mind wavers, progressing faith to your guru, that takes time to for you and your guru to know each other better and then finally Infallible faith towards your guru.

He also taught us that there are 3 ways to know why he is our Lama. Firstly, hes recognised by his teacher as a Lama, non-human beings respects him, like oracles and lastly, he can control the 5 elements.

My heart feels so warm, yet at this late night, it feels kind of incomplete, maybe loneliness. However, knowing the presence of sandals made me feel more comforting :) Its a night to reflect and contemplate upon what I have learnt so far.

Also a night for me to slow down and feel for what has happened today, feel for the people and things around me, and enjoy the feelings I experience.

With Love, May all sentient beings feel happy and sleep well in the night, May my Guru and Sangyumla have a good rest. May my parents, friends, dharma family and loved ones feel a tinge of happiness in their hearts before they fall asleep and feel happy to receive all that tomorrow can give :)

Sorrority and practice day

2009-06-14T01:05:00.003+08:00

Had Wholly good time at Jie's place after tuition for my student. We were spastic and silly! An experience I never had before in this life, to feel such connectedness with our lineages. We played card, and laughed, talked about our future plans especially in our practice as well as LOVE LIFE that had always seemed bleak.

I indulged in fried chickens today, had that craving to eat fried stuff! Ms Fauline, Fervin and Valerie shared so much joy and love today :) So happy. Silly marc marc called while we were playing cards. Seem like i spent time with all the close friends which I have, that though can be counted with my fingers, whom are close to my heart.

The Bitches will be next to catch up with :D wonder how they have been all these while, its been months since we've seen each other. Gonna go facial soon, to remove the thick layer of dirt and grime on my face, accumulated ever since i dont know how long ago.

Put aside the mundane talks. I feel happy with what I have now, though little friends, but those few good friends are enough to keep my heart warm, leaving traces of happiness in it. Thank Fervin jie and Fauline, Agnes tan enqi, Marcus khooLZ, and my bitches, not forgetting our lama, mother tara and ms sandals birkenstock and haniel.

I've got a mission to accomplish, that I believe I can do it, I must believe I can. With my hands, I want to heal, with my mind, the intention to help, with my body, the will to carry out.

Thats all for tonight, sweet dreams :)

2009-06-10T15:23:00.002+08:00

Why is it that sometimes we have to hold back our feelings, to act in a manner opposite from how you feel? Why is expressing so hard a thing to do, because you dare not express yourself as you wish, you are afraid to get reactions that you regret and cannot turn back.

The result is to bring your emotions and broken feelings home, and let it dissipate. It is not healthy. But sometimes we just can't have the freedom that we want, to show how we feel, because we are afraid to lose certain things, that are not worth losing, because you know you already have none.

Just felt like blogging

2009-06-08T22:10:00.006+08:00

Its 10pm in the night, I feel quite bright, despite a full day of studying with 2 wonderful friends whom gave me a school life the beginning of this year :) Its still not too late, Im in year 2 and I have friends from school =)

Seems really easy for most people to have friends, but I have been pretty much in my own world for the whole of year 1. Friends, or rather people whom i meet, arent really friends. To me, Friends are people

whom you can connect with from the bottom of your heart, leaving you warmth everytime

you part with them.

In my life, Im very used to people coming and leaving, like footprints in the sand. So I dont usually hold on to things tightly, I like to take it easy. Impermanence, it is. I miss Lama, one thing for sure, I know my guru will not walk away, leaving footprints in my life, though nothing is forever, but the whole of this life, I am confident my guru, will live in my heart, even till my next lives.

Feeling grateful towards my teacher, Buddha and Bodhissatva whom watches over me. Very grateful to also my very good sister Fervin jie, who saved me from rock bottom of my life so far, always bursting into laughter whenever we chat and share, also cultivate dharma together, he inspired me to cultivate.

And my 2 husbands in school who gave me school life to talk about, agnes tan too my family whom companied me through primary school, to tertiary education, I believe we will attend each others' wedding with a wide smile on our facing, also tearing, knowing that we have already came so far, more than friends, we are family.

Well I wish at least my 2 husbands from school, can walk with me through poly, then Uni, then into Adult life, we'll meet up, chat and enjoy ourselves and laugh ever more :)

I wish, my good sister fervin jie will continue this journey of cultivation with me as well, make good use of what we have, to benefit others in ways we can.

I wish I will attend agnes tan's wedding, with a wide smile on my face, with flashbacks of good old memories we had when we were growing up, litte nonsenses that we created.

I wish my family, who brought me up, have happiness, and I will be able to care for and help them grow together with me as i grow up.

I wish, my Guru will live a long and healthy life, with Sangyumla, nathan, joy and grandma. May we, his students, be able to help him with any activities he wishes to carry out, to benefit all beings.

May everyone have happiness and be able to realise the meaning of life. To each, it is different, so long as we do not live a life of regret, knowing that the works of this lifetime is worth it, we feel happy, and have made somebody happy in our life, never at the expense of others.

okay, time to study for common test :) All the Best! Om Ah Hung.

First time, in a very long time

2009-06-06T02:14:00.003+08:00

Good morning, its 2.14am as im putting down these feelings here. Im enjoying the peace and quiet in the night. I feel exceptionally calm today, maybe its my mind that is calm tonight. I havent felt this way in such a long time, I feel I have lost myself for a little too long.

Had been desperately searching for this "self" that feels so basic, simple and neutral. Neither happy nor sad.

Today, it seems like this has finally came true. Maybe I havent had a routine in a long time, had too much of unexpected events popping up in my life. I feel that I am finally taking a break, from being fully occupied.

I was able to take my time, to go to school, attend lectures, have wonderful lunch with bert and marc, study at the library, then meet my mum and sister in town to get stuff. On the bus, towards town, I did long prayers as i lugged my prayer text with me since morning.

This time, as I take note of my experiences, I realised I am able to relate things in my life with dharma. Met my mum at paragon, as we walked into BCBG MaxAzria, looking at the price tag, then quality of the dress, the feeling that piece of clothing gives, and recalling how much difference in price we can get the same dress and brand from a shop we often patronize at Bukit Timah Plaza...

So I really wonder, what does this dress that cost $400 means to these ladies... Is it really worth it? Is it so important, to get this dress? while this money may mean survival for some families. To me, its nice to have expensive things lying around the cupboard and house, strutting these things out to town, boosts your confidence and ego. But I feel, this shouldnt be everything that keeps your heart happy.

I feel theres more to making our hearts feel happy than just material satisfaction. How come so many people base on these objects, physical and solid things to determine their overall satisfaction and happiness in their life. Why are they not able to seek other forms of happines besides lust, material, status and wealth? Wont internal happiness, project a wider perspective of happiness on the whole in one's life?

When i was in town, I can then feel Lama's teaching, about people, having wealth, looking good, biggest houses, best things from top to toe, and best cars etc. The more you need these external factors to keep you happy, the smaller heart you have, its often these people that feels extremely insecure and unhappy inside, therefore a need to portray a beautiful picture on the outside.

I have nothing against material satisfaction, I myself am very materialistic, i appreciate branded clothings for its design and quality, to me its a piece of art from the designer, to bring out the best in the wearer, the sincerity of the designer to create something for many people to look good and feel good. Also, I believe in dressing well as a form of respect to yourself. Sometimes you just take yourself too seriously to be bothered to dress properly.

so folks, balance. You own the things, dont let it own you. The same BCBG dress that can be bought from bukit timah plaza, why not? how do you value this dress? so long as it looks good, doesnt look cheap on you, why not? at the end of the day, you just want to achieve that "look" through the outfit.

2009-05-25T23:26:00.005+08:00

I kind of love rose quartz... it attracts my attention, whenever i look at it, it gives me a nice clear feeling. So soothing, calm and peaceful :)

This is just a random thought to share

If my blog were to include everything that happened in my life, it can become a book. Everyone's life is, like a book. Sometimes we skip pages, sometimes cant wait to find out how the ending is like, sometimes we just keep reading, and not expecting whats next...

Amethyst... has extremely calming effect, helps one to get in touch with their intuitions, feelings, spiritual awareness. Well, i think its time i get Rose Quartz and Amethyst... combine then into a necklace... wear it everytime :) However, i still love turquoise. Will match my turquoise earrings with my necklace, ooh i forgot i got turquoise bracelet too! so happy. haha! I am like old woman ya, love all these weird weird stones.

Back to my feelings... Seeing this colour never fail to remind me of Lama, and so winnie the pooh :D Wonder what lama is doing now. Havent talked to him properly in ages, have i ever? May I create the cause to be able to speak to my guru properly =) i miss lama, dont know why. Dearest Guru, teacher and also you who are like my father, I thank you for your love, kindness, teaching and compassion towards me. For encouraging me, us, to dare to feel, and rely on our feelings. You gave my heart strength, I love you.

Green will definitely remind me of mother tara, the perfected beauty, inside out. Motherly, warm and lovely... She takes care of everyone of us so well, thank you for doting on us.

Blue reminds me of Medicine Buddha, so kind always heal heal heal people :) Thank you for healing me too...

Thousand arm chenresig, is of a neutral colour in memory, i think shes neutral. okay, what colour is she hahaha! Thank you for telling me whether sandalwood or rose quartz suits me through the "pua pueh" and many more...

Guru rinpoche, thank you for watching over me, everytime when i walk in dark places on my way home, when i was afraid, i called out to you, each time i was safe. Thank you

To my dearest fervin jie, Thank You for sharing so much laughter, joy, tears and little realisations with me :D Mummy cecilia too, thank you the both of you *flap flap flap*

My parents, who are adorable though sometimes they grow horns when they dont get their way, i love you. Thank you for wanting me in this world, so here I am, now feeling this world, because you gave me a chance to. My brothers and sisters, sometimes disgusting but love me so much, thank you.

Agnes tan, my silly best friend whom we shed tears together, and laughed and bitched together, Thank you for being in my life. My bitches, minmin, qiqi, ah kow, deena, tiara and rosma, you made my growing years so enjoyable, you still do =)

To my dharma brothers and sisters, may we continue to learn and grow together, love you.

If this was the last time you see this world in this form, would you say the same like i did to your all your loved ones? Why cant we say it now, and not leave it till the very last minute?

Its so random, it just came to me suddenly, we should always cherish what we already have, and feel happiness tingling in our hearts, Im so lucky, im feeling it now, i hope i remember this feeling. I hope everybody else feels the same too :)

Thats all for today, very very random feelings, its what im feeling at this moment, so far, after all that has happened. Sweetest dreams people...

Om Mani Padme Hung

A weird but nice day

2009-05-08T01:26:00.003+08:00

This is a random post caused by my randomness. Its a nice day, with little twist and turns and little bumps along the way, then rainbow showed after this tough journey, but it all happened within a day.

Self-doubt, Inferiority, submissiveness, negative states of mind, fear, wavering mind appeared before me, like a series of advertisement that comes and leaves, one after the other, leaving me confused, fearful, weak minded and sad.

Friends are people who through their body, speech and mind, supports you in the things you do, help you through difficult times and share happy moments. I am grateful different friends appeared before me at different stages of my life, when Im vulnerable. Friends also listen intently to what you have in mind, and see how much you have grown, and how far you have gone. I am fortunate to have some Friends =) Thank you so much. For those who read this post, you must have been my friends.

Fed up, intolerating the uneasiness that I often feel, I finally made a stand, and created the cause to stop it myself. This derives into " Im the ruler, creater and author of my own life. Im in control, no one else. Same goes for all of you. We create happenings in our lifestory, its all up to you. Break the evil cycle of our existence, create happy positive things thats beneficial for everyone. Live our short but meaningful life ".

I will break the cycle of unfortunate happenings that I have gone through. No one else can help me break it unless I want it for myself. I am finally facing up to things.

My school life, Love life, and spiritual life, I can only grow and not degenerate, because I want all to be well =) Just because I want it. May you want to make things happen in your life too.

Cosy Morning

2009-04-30T11:24:00.003+08:00

Hello there, Its a cosy morning. Dew drops trickled down the leaves of the trees, gazing out of the glass wall, greyish hue filled the skies, leaving us all with a laid back, lazy thursday morning.

Im sitting at Makan Place awaiting Marcus to come join us for breakfast, sitting opposite me is Bertram. Marc and Bert kuku. Wondering whats fervin jie doing now... haha. Am going to attend calligraphy class at 3.30pm. I pray to Mother tara for everyone to feel happy, and enjoy this laid back day with a smile on their face =)

Just felt like expressing my feelings, I feel contented with this simple pleasure that im enjoying, a slow paced day, just for awhile... I wish for everyone to enjoy this too. Enjoying alone is no fun, lets all enjoy together :D

New beginning, fresh start

2009-04-21T00:20:00.002+08:00

Today is the first day of school :) I braced myself and barged into schools of people whom I've never seen before. Being at home and centre, throughout my holidays, Its kinda scary to go back to school again, seeing so many people, felt a sense of insecurity. Its been almost 6 weeks since I ever been to school. I felt so alone in this big big world, out on my own, to set out an adventure. Thats how it felt like just now.

Lecture started at 2pm, good to see familiar faces, but nevertheless, still feel alone. People at school has never been there, to open their hearts, and talk about how they feel. However, not forgetting the purpose of going to school, I listened intently and tried to understand what was taught, it was pretty good, im aware of whats going on and I understood.

Agnes and I went for lunch after school, thanks to her for keeping me company =) Appreciate her by my side. -End of School Episode-

Dear blog, whenever I didnt bother to update about my life, it can either mean my life sucks, Im having problems, Im too busy, or I am so tired.

While I was away, it was all of the above. =) Enjoyed my holidays. Though, like what im so familiar with, people come and go, they leave footprints in my life, and everytime when someone becomes part of my life, I would secretly tell myself, "people come and go, he may not be here forever, never hold on to anything". And true enough, that fella left. Letting go of this support wasn't easy, I am still getting used to it, I know im back to square one, all by myself again. I recalled the past, and I was all alone too, and I was fine, definitely, this time I will be fine too.

I will brace myself, and stay strong. Under the encouragement of Ah Jie, my Guru and the triple gems, I will pull myself together. Yes, I am feeling very vulnerable now, people gets weak when they lose their support. I didnt shed tears as I am typing, I have difficulties doing so nowdays, so I need to go temple, sit down at a spot, gaze at Buddha, and release my feelings =) Everythings gonna be okay...

I fell ill, and I feel lonely. I wish somebody is there to hug me tightly, and tell me everything will be fine, and allow me to cry my hearts out, till i fall asleep. My heart fell ill... tomorrow will be a new day, I wont feel the way I do now :)

hello there

2009-02-10T01:57:00.002+08:00

Very quickly, we are on the last page of CNY. To be exact, its 1.58am in the morning, CNY is over. Well, not a big deal, its still tomorrow, its just that im curious how we see "special occassions" like CNY as a time-frame. People do particular things at certain period of time we deem that we should do, like CNY means house-visiting, and loads of goodies and pastries not forgetting red packets.

Like V-day, we see couples hand in hand on the street, sharing the same sweet scent in the air. Why do we not treat every other day as a special and do memorable things like we do during these festive occasions?

Maybe we dare not enjoy too much, if everyday is special, nothing is special, right? If we do not make excuses to celebrate during a particular time, and let our hair down, life will be dull right? Maybe the way we think, whereby special occasions should be a memorable one, and most remembered and cherished, will serve the purpose of adding some colours to life.

Why do i mention time frame? Because this morning i heard one of my friend saying that shes kinda sad that Chinese new year is over, but i feel nothing, because i was simply too occupied with what i was doing.

It just came to me how humans think can really be so interesting. Only now, late at night, i start to feel "ya, chinese new year over hor, kinda sad ha, everyone back to "normal" self, not so cheery and excited." Not only this, but the end of CNY caught my attention that not long ago Mitsy passed away, and now its the end of chinese new year. How every minute slipped by us, just without us knowing.

There are many ways to see this, so long as its happy and healthy for your heart and soul, see it the way you want =) To me, the end of an occasion, serves as a reminder of where we are, what we are doing, how much we have grown and how much time has passed us by. Then I will start to question myself, have i spent my time and life wisely?

Infact lama said before, everyday we should remind ourselves of those things and question yourself, but for a beginner like me, let me first start of with using occassions =)

This question is what made me want to blog today. which after a long bull of words, i finally found out whats bothering me after i know that CNY is over. HAHAHA. Whats bothering me is whether I have really utilised my time well.

well, goodnight CNY is over, but tomorrow will still be good day and a fresh start :) Dont worry be happy, being worried cannot change anything at all, just do it positively, you will make a positive difference.

In Loving Memory of Mitsy Lin Mei Shi

2009-01-03T13:32:00.004+08:00

Mitsy left us on 1.1.2009, 1.12am. She was a loyal, happy, cool and loving little sister. The best that i ever had. I love every bit of her, from her arrogant glares, to her cute little taily dropping.

I Love every bit of her, she was always at home, lazying around, leading a peaceful boring life, with occasional cockroach-hunting-turns hero activities, me carrying her to look out of the window, barking at garang guni and sapu downstairs, barking at neighbours, bullying koffi, ransacking the dustbin in the kitchen, begging for food during mealtimes, tipping dustbins over, spilling peanut shells all over the sofa when we leave her at home, singing along to the tune as i blow the recorder, showing her teeth when we carry her. I love Mitsy, she is no dog, shes family.

I miss her, so very much. When i reach home, I always have to remember she is no longer around anymore. After 14 years of staying at home most of the time, she is finally liberated... When i reach home, the usual sense of excitement rush through me, wanting to squel out her name "Bae-darling!" , I end up with muttering under my breath.

Our family miss her. Miss calling out to her name, stroking her head, carrying her from behind her while she is caught off guard. Miss pulling her tail gently and releasing it, her tail looks like feather duster. Miss kissing her cute little face and her smelly mouth, but it doesnt matter to me, her smelly mouth doesnt. Miss putting her tiny tank top back in place whenever she becomes tarzan, with sleeves outside her tiny limbs. Miss playing catch with her soft ball, that has bells in it that tinkles as she throws it high up with her fangs.

Miss her soft fur, pinky ears, pinky skin, her soft tummy, miss the smell of her paw paw. Miss her glistening beautiful eyes.

I can never forget the way she looked when she died. Still beautiful. Just that her ears cant move anymore. I can remember how i observe her ears move when she take her naps, how she have nightmares sometimes, twitching her mouth, moving her hind legs sometimes when the nightmare becomes overwhelming.

I want to hold her in my arms once more, in the form whereby she was at her healthiest. Not the skinny poor little her when she can no longer open her mouth.

Mitsy, we love you, you will forever be in our hearts, theres no other dog like you, no other little sister like you, no other family that can ever replace you. Mitsy, rest happily, follow buddha, he will bring you to where you can go, where its best for you.

Blogging makes me sleepy...

2008-12-31T00:40:00.002+08:00

Here I am on the 2nd last day of 2008. New year is approaching. Im looking forward to the new year. It has been a very tough year for me, 2008 is. Obstacles, confusion, difficulties and pain continually happened. Some humpty dumpty drama serial happened. I make a very good female lead man. Betrayal, horrible boyfriends, trauncy and life getting out of control happened like a drama serial, in sequel, one after the other.

May 2009 be auspicious for me. May I create auspiciousness in my everday life. My life is in my own hands, i call the shots in the path I am heading. Well, I will consult lama though when really important decision comes into the picture, because I believe in myself. I will be in control of how I want things to be, it is the effort put in that matters. Effort that you put into how you want the result to be, at the end of the day. It matters more than the result itself.

How come after the long break, I still feel tired... I am tired.. Yet I dont want anything, but a sturdy and reliable shoulder to rest on. I want time for myself... I want someone that can make me feel secure and comfortable to be for me only, for me to rest on, just for awhile, till I am ready to get up on my feet, to carry on with life's journey. Im tired.

生由污泥而不染

2008-12-28T02:06:00.002+08:00

I inspire to be like the lotus. Being borned from a pond of earth and water, it blossoms into pure lotus, with clear leaves, stalk and petals. This is what we can learn from this simple example nature portrays.

We living in this samsaric world is filled with a mixture of everything, filled with the mud of ignorance, negative body, speech and mind, at the same time, also all positive body, speech and mind as well as underlying wisdom for us to uncover.

I wish to be like the lotus, to have purity withstanding the harsh conditions it is in. What a nice way to think... I like the idea. "A wise man is flexible and can transform himself to suit nature. A dull man transform nature to suit himself." Lama Thubten Namdrol Dorje. We can also change ourselves, to be like the lotus, to withstand harsh conditions, still having a pure and kind heart.

Recently, I've been baby sitting Anton tan jingwei... He hurt his right knee cap, hospitalised for a day, and sent back home on an MC. Going to company him to the hospital again on monday. He is a troublesome fat thing. He behave like a kid, very attention seeking and stubborn and needy. LOL. he is a needy fella now. I've been kind to babysit him. My holidays are spent travelling all the way to woodlands, then to hospital, then to army, then back to woodlands -_- Im more like half his mother now.

Antonia tan yu sin and i talk on the phone all most everyday till 4am. HAHAHA poor girl, she needs to do many many things in a day, admire her filial piety towards her dad, and her courage to carry the responsibility of supporting the family on her shoulders. way to go girl! Whenever in need for a pair of ears, im a call away!

Well, about myself, im learning to live a fulfilling and balanced life. Still trying to lose fats, and gain motivation towards my responsibility as a student, daughter, disciple, practitioner. I am going to take up calligraphy class soon I hope, with An when we fix a date with kopi. I want to write my best 生日快乐，万寿无疆 for Lama and 身体健康，开开心心 for my daddy and mummy.

By the end of my Year 1 poly life, I would like to have achievements in my results. By the time i go to year 2, I want to be a top student. That is my goal. I am now trying to create the cause and conditions for this to be realised :) jiayou jiayou!

All about my wants and needs.

2008-12-21T16:32:00.004+08:00

What a day... I am duper bored, staying at home. I want to get out of my house to do some shopping in town. Sigh, money money please drop down from the sky. I need to do more mandala offering to have more merits. Lama said before at the same time when we satisfy our needs, we can enjoy having our wants, but there must be a balance.

This is no balance, my needs and wants are in deprivation state for buddha knows how long... HAHAHA. Tell ya wad i need. Firstly, I NEED a new phone I have been using agnes's old phone for almost a month now. I am eyeing on Giorgio armani phone.

I need new clothings too. Going on a christmas party, with a top and bottomless, I need a nice pair of pants to go with that full-lace top. I need peranakan-inspired clothings, that corset top and lean pants. I need a basic spaghetti top in black, brown and white. I WANT a 3/4 sundress thats dark in colour. I WANT a pair of cream coloured shades, An Oversize Bag, and an embroided Bolero. Not forgetting a nice pair of sandles and maybe wedges for the year :P

OHOH, and, My skincare! Either Lancome or Laneige range whitening moisturiser and Toner will do. I need a blusher too. thats all :D
Thats all I Need and Want for X'mas and a Happy Chinese New Year :P

Love

2008-12-15T01:49:00.002+08:00

Love, how does one define love? According to the dictionary, the explanation for Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. In my opinion, love is giving and benefiting another unconditionally and selflessly. How many, can give your all and care for another person.

I admit, I am afraid to love, afraid to allow my feelings to flow, and afraid to get hurt again. Even if I loved somebody now, I am willing to care and give the other my all, but being in a relationship again requires alot of courage on my side. Because when you are in a relationship you have certain expectations, you will get disappointed and upset when expectations are not met, and as your love grows and you sink deeper, you will become afraid to lose your loved ones.

I don't have courage and energy to go through that again... The part where you are want to keep someone by your side and afraid to lose, and you do not exist in his heart, hes always thinking of something else. I will get ripped apart if I have to go through all these again. Im already tired.

I need to feel secure. So i guess the best is for me to be single, it does not mean I dont love him, Im controlling.

As the wind blew, the children listen to the sounds of the rustling leaves under the Bodhi tree,,,

2008-12-15T01:31:00.003+08:00

Lama said " His Holiness the Dalai Lama has suggested that all persons wishing to practice the BuddhaDharma should learn and first ask themselves what is it they like about Buddhism."

Let me ponder on this question... Things I like about Buddhism is that...

Everytime i sit in the temple, gazing at Buddha and Bodhissatva's stupa, I feel peaceful and serene. This has to be felt often, especially when I get too engrossed in my own life, not utilising my life well. I will just like to sit there, and absorb all the niceness... After which i pray to be able to spread this nice feeling.

Buddhism makes me feel as if everything is possible. There are no restrictions, where the only restriction comes from your mind. We are all learning to cultivate our minds to be soft, subtle and sharp, where our minds become Dharma eventually. Its fascinating how mundane things can become Dharma, there is no segregation between Dharma and your worldly life.

Lastly, Buddhism helped me out when i get lost. When my mind gets in control of things, when i feel lost and afraid. When i walk on the extreme ends, Dharma reminds me to take the middle path, and to awaken that sense of awareness that was asleep.

Thats what i liked about Buddhism. I have lots to practice and learn, may i stay in the middle path until i am enlightened.

everything will be okay....

2008-12-14T00:19:00.002+08:00

I know im crying badly now... But its ok, so long as you feel better, its not important. I may be a jewel to you, but you dont love me, so you dont have to take it, I hope you feel better. =)

Chilly night... 带着清新自由的晚风。。。

2008-12-09T22:03:00.004+08:00

今天好想试试看用中文写下心情，有什么不同。哈哈，好久没好好运用中文写字了。好开心，好像回到中学那段每天都要写文章的时候。吴老师总是对我们要求严苛，但是我感谢她在那段时间的教导，要不是她，此刻我怎么能在这里用华文清楚地写下我将传达，和描述的感受呢？

今天是很累的一天，在学校读了一整天的书，直到时间到了，要进考场考试，才把背下来的东西通通吐出来。哈哈哈。我并没有放弃哦，直到最后一分钟，我还是坚持，我不“认命”。虽然是我自己没提前做好准备，但我还是有把心放下去，认真的读啊。

我已经迷失自己好长一段时间，好不容易才觉悟过来，只不过，是在第一份考卷的前一天才觉悟过来，所以有些仓促，但无所谓，我已经在我的能力范围之内尽力而为。今天总算松了一口气，不管成绩怎样，至少我尽我自己的全力。

我不要依赖别人，自己一个人读书也无所谓，我要掌控我自己的生命，不要让周遭的事控制我。我必须专心，放心投入我做的每一件事，I want to take pride in my work, I want to be in control of my own situations. 我不能依赖朋友，每一次都告诉我需要注意些什么，要做些什么。我的人生，我要负责。我现在都明白了，我敢告诉你我已经适应一个人做事，独立自主不需要朋友陪我去哪里我才会去。我长大了。

其实有始以来，我们都是一个人。一个人来到这世界，一个人离开。所以，没有朋友或家人陪伴时也不必害怕或感到太寂寞。因为，会慢慢适应的，也会渐渐明白，其实一个人的时候，会害怕也是因为必须面对自己。想一想，接受自己后就没什么好怕的了。怎么，自己有那么可怕吗？我们大家，偶尔也来试试花时间在自己身上，宠一宠自己，更了解自己。但要取得平衡，有朋友或家人的陪伴是一种幸福，也是很快乐的事，要珍惜身边的人，事，物。=）

To my dear friend...

2008-12-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

This morning, i promptly got out of bed, showered, clean up mitsy's mess, and got ready to meet my friend that I havent seen in a long time. We've been in the kind of relationship whereby we only see each other very occassionally, and its even more rare that we are able to sit down and spend time together. I treasured today very much.

Would like to say thank you to you, Jing wei. Making the effort to come all the way down, to take the longer than usual bus ride together. Though sitting in silence, i feel contented being able to relate to you this way. 2 years really past us by in a flash, its time now you enter army, become a MAN. yays, you will get a good body after this.

I just want you to know, how much i wish for you to be happy. Our friendship surpassed any, that i can give you anything, so long as you are happy. Because, I love you my friend. I do not need anything from you. I never expected any kind of day like this, spending some time together, being true, i ask for nothing but to take good care of yourself during your time in the army. Smile more often.

- your friend who cares.

val-yaozhen

i need to rest

Dear Lama...

Take Charge of your own life

my playmate, my family.

Impermanence

raining today

:) smile because you're kind mother sentient beings

things that tells a story

fortune

I admit

be brave

Fire up your passion

Tomorrow is a fresh piece of paper

Goals

Give me some sunshine

so it seems

What's your Happiness?

:)

Dreams are my reality

in the middle of the night

crossing the fast flowing river

i need that relief

clearing away some space in life

Set your mind free

I like it like this :)

like the little droplets

Goodnight

3rd January 2011

Happy 2011

Merry Christmas :)

midnight

have you ever

Reflections

light of Hope

As the time goes by

Back to December

curling up

I need to confess

go get it

Some things can never be the same

whats there to be bluey about

smiling from my heart

Im a hermit

I love you

Let go

Short holidays...

爱活在心上， 不受谁的决定改变方向，你真爱过，那就是答案

Love

Need to take a walk

The nights

每个人的心声

Today...

Emotionally dependent

Its been a crazy few weeks

Om Ah Hung

so so tired....

Sometimes...

Happy New Year

Time flies...

I Love this song

Sorrority and practice day

Just felt like blogging

First time, in a very long time

A weird but nice day

Cosy Morning

New beginning, fresh start

hello there

In Loving Memory of Mitsy Lin Mei Shi

Blogging makes me sleepy...

生由污泥而不染

All about my wants and needs.

Love

As the wind blew, the children listen to the sounds of the rustling leaves under the Bodhi tree,,,

everything will be okay....

Chilly night... 带着清新自由的晚风。。。

To my dear friend...

爱活在心上，不受谁的决定改变方向，你真爱过，那就是答案